A Research Guide for Students by I Lee

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Pun and Funny English

Funny Puns, Play on Words, Wise Sayings, Proverbs,
Quotations, Humorous Use of the English Language
and Strange Facts

More Pun and Funny English in Part 2

What Is a Pun?

"A pun, or paronomasia, is a form of word play that deliberately exploits an ambiguity between similar-sounding words for humorous or rhetorical effect. Such ambiguity may arise from the intentional misuse of homophonical, homographical, homonymic, polysemic, metonymic, or metaphorical language."

"A Pun is a joke or type of wordplay in which similar senses or sounds of two words or phrases, or different senses of the same word, are deliberately confused; To tell a pun, to make a play on words."

Above definitions from: e-Forwards.com - Funny Emails.

View more definitions of a Pun from The Free Dictionary.

Pun from Wikipedia.


1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints; we spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less. ~ Dr. Bob Moorehead. See Words Aptly Spoken and The Paradox of Our Time.

12. Why do we have noses that run and feet that smell? ~ Unknown.

13. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

14. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

19. The quickest way to get someone's attention is to no longer want it. ~ Anonymous.

20. An intellectual says a simple thing in a hard way. An artist says a hard thing in a simple way. ~ Charles Bukowski.

21. Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say. ~ Mitch Albom.

22. Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. ~ Erica Jong.

23. Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it. ~ Cullen Hightower.

24. We are what we repeatedly do; excellence, then, is not an act but a habit. ~ Aristotle.

25. Work for a cause, not for applause.
Live life to express, not to impress.
Don't strive to make your presence noticed, just make your absence felt. ~ Unknown.

26. You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish. ~ Unknown.

27. I've failed the mathematics test so many times, I lost count. ~ Smitsy

28. The barber opened up a shavings account. ~ Adele - Bohemia, NY

29. My brother wishes he could compose smutty verse as good as mine. Is this scribbling ribaldry? ~ hamrag - London

30. The phone call interrupted my nap, and I never did get the rest. ~ Dave - Whittier, CA

31. A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation. ~ Anonymous

32. I used to be afraid of purchasing residential property for the purpose of renting, but now I have an apartment complex. ~ Kathy - Nashville, TN

33. Deafness is getting to be quite a problem for me lately. I never thought I'd hear myself say that. ~ Dave - Coventry, UK

34. It's amazing what two or more sinners can achieve together with synergy. ~ Irish Limbo - Auckland

35. I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now. ~ Anonymous

36. I'm inclined to be laid back. ~ Irish Limbo - Auckland

37. I don't know what possessed me to attend that seance. ~ melman-kyusa

38. A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no. ~ Zac Hill

39. John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't stand behind. ~ Terry - Omaha, Nebraska

40. I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.

41. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

42. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

43. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

44. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

45. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

46. The batteries were given out free of charge.

47. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

48. A will is a dead giveaway.

49. If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.

50. People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

51. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

52. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

53. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

54. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

55. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

56. Police were called to a day care center where a two-year-old was resisting a rest.

Resisting a rest
~ From Funny Joke Pictures

57. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

58. If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.

59. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

60. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

61. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

62. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

63. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

64. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

65. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

66. The guy that fell into the glass making machine made a spectacle of himself.

67. Cauterize: made eye contact with her.

68. Today is the oldest you've ever been, yet the youngest you'll ever be, so enjoy this day while it lasts.

69. In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.

70. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

71. Do what you can, where you are, with what you have. ~ Theodore Roosevelt.

72. Believe you can and you're halfway there. ~ Theodore Roosevelt.

73. Every strike brings me closer to the next home run. ~ Babe Ruth.

74. Don't sweat the petty stuff. And don't pet the sweaty stuff. ~ George Carlin.

75. I cook using the 4 food groups: Canned, Boxed, Bagged and Frozen. ~ Aunty Acid.

76. Someday is not a day of the week. ~ Denise Brennan-Nelson.

77. The harder I work, the luckier I get. ~ Gary Player.

78. Fall seven times and stand up eight. ~ Japanese Proverb.

79. Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing. ~ Benjamin Franklin.

80. The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. ~ Albert Einstein.

81. Everything you've ever wanted is on the other side of fear. ~ George Addair.

82. Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin.

83. A group of chess enthusiasts were standing in the hotel lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to leave. "But why," they asked. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

84. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. ~ Mark Twain.

85. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. ~ Douglas Casey.

86. Don't wish it were easier, wish you were better. ~ Jim Rohn.

87. The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up. ~ Muhammad Ali.

88. Don't count the days, make the days count. ~ Muhammad Ali.

89. It's hard to be humble when you're as great as I am. ~ Muhammad Ali.

MuhammadAli Note to John Powers Butterfly Display by Orkin Canada, 15-17 April 2016
MuhammadAli quote at Butterfly Display by Orkin Canada, 15-17 April 2016
"I float like a Butterfly and sting like a Bee."
Hand-written note from Muhammad Ali
to John G. Powers, Butterfly Collector, March 21, 2001
Photo by I Lee
Picasa Web Album, April 15, 2016

90. The man who has no imagination has no wings. ~ Muhammad Ali.

91. I shook up the world, I shook up the world. ~ Muhammad Ali.

92. Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It's not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything. ~ Muhammad Ali.

93. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. ~ Unknown.

94. Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on. ~ Unknown.

95. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. ~ Jack Handey.

96. Success is going from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm. ~ Winston Churchill.

97. War does not determine who is right - only who is left. ~ From Paraprosdokians - English Forums.

98. Good judgement comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgement. ~ Unknown.

99. Put your heart, mind, and soul into even your smallest acts. This is the secret of success. ~ Swami Sivananda.

100. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. ~ Unknown.

101. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of payments. ~ Unknown.

102. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. ~ Unknown.

103. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. ~ Unknown.

104. Time heals all wounds, but time also wounds all heels. ~ Unknown.

105. Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. ~ Roger Caras.

106. If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. ~ Unknown.

107. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job. ~ Franklin P. Jones.

108. The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. ~ Andy Rooney.

109. Everything I need to know I learned from my dog: When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. ~ Anonymous.

110. A husband complains to a marriage counselor: "When we were first married, I would come home from work, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years, it's all different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."
"Why complain?" says the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"

111. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

112. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

113. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

114. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

115. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

116. We drive on a parkway and park on a driveway.

117. Does "expect the unexpected" make the "unexpected expected"?

118. Why are "wise man" and "wise guy" opposites? And also "overlook" and "oversee" opposites?

119. We recite at a play and play at a recital.

120. It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense. ~ Mark Twain.

121. When you give someone your whole heart and he doesn't want it, you cannot take it back. It's gone forever. ~ Sylvia Plath.

122. You are confined only by the walls you build yourself. ~ Andrew Murphy.

123. Love is blind, and greed insatiable. ~ Chinese proverb.

124. If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. ~ Abraham Maslow.

125. I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate. ~ George Burns.

126. Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony. ~ Mahatma Gandhi.

127. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. ~ Chili Davis.

128. The three grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, someone to love, and something to hope for. ~ Alexander Chalmers.

129. Figuratively Speaking: Example of a Brain Study.
Are you one of 55% of the people who can read the following?

F1gur471v3ly 5p34k1ng?
7H15 M3554G3
53RV35 7O PR0V3
H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N
D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!
1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!
1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG
17 WA5 H4RD BU7
N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3
Y0UR M1ND 15
R34D1NG 17
4U70M471C4LLY
W17H 0U7 3V3N
7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,
B3 PROUD! 0NLY
C3R741N P30PL3 C4N
R3AD 7H15.

PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F
U C4N R34D 7H15.

If you can raed the abvoe, you have a sgtrane mnid, too.

Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can raed it. I cdnuolt bielvee that I cluod aulaclty uendsatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe.

Azanmig, huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed this, forwrad it.

130. Life is a promise; fulfill it. ~ Mother Teresa.

131. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. ~ Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University.

132. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! ~ Pericles (430 BC).

133. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. ~ Winston Churchill.

134. Friendship must never be buried under the weight of misunderstanding. ~ Sri Chinmoy.

135. Friendship isn't about whom you have known the longest. It's about who came, and never left your side. ~ Broken Friendship Quotes collected by Uttara Manohar.

136. We always thought we'd look back on our tears and laugh, but we never thought we'd look back on our laughter and cry. ~ Broken Friendship Quotes collected by Uttara Manohar.

137. Give me the shortest word in the English language that contains the letters: abcdef, i.e. give me your feedback.

138. A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence. ~ Pun of the Day.

139. I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me. ~ Pun of the Day.

140. John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't stand behind. ~ Terry - Omaha, NE.

141. Experts say the cost of funerals have risen by 50%, they blame it on the cost of living. ~ Jose - Miami.

142. It's better to love a short girl than not a tall. ~ Pun of the Day.

143. Alarms: What an octopus is.

144. I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not. ~ Kurt Cobain.
It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not. ~ André Gide, Autumn Leaves.

145. You can agree with me, or you can be wrong. ~ Edgar Argo.

146. Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.

147. In London, one man to another:
        "You know, my daughter has married an Irishman."
        "Oh, really?"
        "No, O'Reilly."

148. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

149. What do you call a male ladybird?

150. Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh. ~ George Bernard Shaw.

151. From So You Think French Is Hard? Try English . . . PD Workshop: Creating a Basic Web Page - Web Page 36 by Lorenzo Morra:

• I take it you already know of tough and bough and cough and dough.
• Others may stumble but not you, on hiccough, thorough, tough and through.
• Well done! And now you wish perhaps to learn of less familiar traps?
• Beware of heard, a dreadful word that looks like beard and sounds like bird.
• And dead -- it's said like bed, not bead -- For goodness' sake, don't call it deed.
• Watch out for meat and great and threat (they rhyme with suite and straight and debt).
• A moth is not a moth in mother, nor both in bother, broth in brother.
• And here is not a match for there, nor dear and fear or bear and pear.
• And then there's dose and rose and lose, just look them up -- goose and choose,
• And cork and work, and card and ward, and front and font, and word and sword,
• And do and go, and lone and gone, and wart and cart -- Come, come! I've hardly made a start!
• A dreadful language? Man alive!
• I mastered it when I was five!

152. This drain must be opened up because it is stopped up. See more UP words at Are You UP for This?

153. Patient: "I've hurt my arm in several places."
        Doctor: "Well, don't go there anymore."

154. What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth. ~ Yiddish proverb.

155. Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving. ~ Albert Einstein.

156. Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them. ~ Albert Einstein.

157. What hair color do bald people put on their driver's licence?

158. Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin. ~ Grace Hansen.

159. Church sign: "Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you want to meet Him."

160. I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. ~ Bill Clinton.

161. A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. ~ Barack Obama.

162. Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. ~ Tommy Lee.

163. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

164. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

165. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

166. Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~ Dr. Seuss (Theodor Seuss Geisel).

167. Posted Signs and Notices: (~ From former website: sombra5.lbbhost.com/roadsigns2.html">More Road Signs ~)

● In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

● In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

● In the window of a dry cleaner's:
SAME DAY DRY CLEANING - ALL GARMENTS READY IN 48 HOURS

● In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

● In another office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY, PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

● Outside a furniture shop:
OUR MOTTO: WE PROMISE YOU THE LOWEST PRICES AND WORKMANSHIP

● Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

● Sign in a German cafe:
MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING

● In a dental office:
BE TRUE TO YOUR TEETH OR THEY WILL BE FALSE TO YOU

● Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

● Sign in a picture shop:
LET US PUT YOU IN THE PICTURE AND FRAME YOU

● Notice in restaurant:
OUR CUTLERY IS NOT MEDICINE SO PLEASE DO NOT TAKE IT AFTER MEALS

● Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

● Sign on a newly painted bench:
WET PAINT - WATCH IT OR WEAR IT

● Sign in London pizza parlour:
OPEN 24 HOURS - EXCEPT 2 A.M. - 8 A.M.

● On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

● Sign in Egyptian hotel:
IF YOU REQUIRE ROOM SERVICE, PLEASE OPEN DOOR AND SHOUT, "ROOM SERVICE!"

168. Winston Churchill Vs. Lady Astor
Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee.
Churchill: Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it.

169. New York Mayor Ed Koch to Andrew Kirtzmanafter, the reporter: I can explain this to you, I can't comprehend it for you.

170. Georgia Guidestones:
From Wikipedia: A message consisting of a set of ten guidelines or principles is engraved on the Georgia Guidestones [June 1979] in eight different languages, one language on each face of the four large upright stones. Moving clockwise around the structure from due north, these languages are: English, Spanish, Swahili, Hindi, Hebrew, Arabic, Chinese, and Russian.

1. Maintain humanity under 500,000,000 in perpetual balance with nature.
2. Guide reproduction wisely - improving fitness and diversity.
3. Unite humanity with a living new language.
4. Rule passion - faith - tradition - and all things with tempered reason.
5. Protect people and nations with fair laws and just courts.
6. Let all nations rule internally resolving external disputes in a world court.
7. Avoid petty laws and useless officials.
8. Balance personal rights with social duties.
9. Prize truth - beauty - love - seeking harmony with the infinite.
10. Be not a cancer on the earth - Leave room for nature - Leave room for nature.

171. I've never met a Bitter person who was Thankful. Or a Thankful person who was Bitter. ~ Nick Vujicic, LifeWithoutLimbs.org.

172. It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance.
It is the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance.
It is the one who won't be taken who cannot seem to give.
And the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live. ~ Bette Midler.

173. It is by chance that we met, by choice that we became friends. ~ Unknown.

174. Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option. ~ Mark Twain.

175. Man can believe the impossible, but can never believe the improbable. ~ Oscar Wilde.

176. A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally. ~ Oscar Wilde.

177. Is man one of God's blunders? Or is God one of man's blunders? ~ Friedrich Nietzsche.

178. If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough. ~ Albert Einstein.

179. Everything that can be counted does not necessarily count; everything that counts cannot necessarily be counted. ~ Albert Einstein.

180. To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson.
I am the greatest. ~ Muhammad Ali.

181. The only way to have a friend is to be one. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson.

182. As long as a man stands in his own way, everything seems to be in his way. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson.

183. What is not started today is never finished tomorrow. ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832).

184. He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else. ~ Benjamin Franklin.

185. Some people die at 25 and aren't buried until 75. ~ Benjamin Franklin.

186. Content makes poor men rich; discontent makes rich men poor. ~ Benjamin Franklin.

187. By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail. ~ Benjamin Franklin.

188. In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes. ~ Benjamin Franklin.

189. Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn. ~ Benjamin Franklin.

190. Common sense is not so common. ~ Voltaire.

191. If you have an apple and I have an apple and we exchange these apples, then you and I will still each have one apple. But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange these ideas, then each of us will have two ideas. ~ George Bernard Shaw.

192. Most folks are about as happy as they make their minds up to be. ~ Abraham Lincoln.

193. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. ~ Abraham Lincoln.
     ● It's better to be silent than be a fool. ~ Harper Lee.

194. The mind is everything. What you think you become. ~ Buddha.

195. A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty. ~ Winston Churchill.

196. The farther backward you can look, the farther forward you are likely to see. ~ Winston Churchill.

197. Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference. ~ Winston Churchill.

198. Nobody can hurt me without my permission. ~ Mahatma Gandhi.

199. An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind. ~ Mahatma Gandhi.

200. The Roots of Violence: Wealth without work, Pleasure without conscience, Knowledge without character, Commerce without morality, Science without humanity, Worship without sacrifice, Politics without principles. ~ Mahatma Gandhi.

201. An injured friend is the bitterest of foes. ~ Thomas Jefferson.

202. I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. ~ Robert McCloskey.

203. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. ~ Oscar Wilde.

204. Which is the most Dangerous Letter in English?
        The Answer is "W" - as in Wrong.
        "W" is a tension generator because all the worries and troubles you get begins with "W".
        Who? Why? What? When? Which? Whom? Where? War. Wine. Whisky. Women. Wealth.
        And finally ...
        You have to accept this:
        Whether you like it or not ...
        WIFE!

205. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. ~ Reinhold Niebuhr.
        Lord, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. ~ Unknown.

206. A wise man makes his own decisions, an ignorant man follows public opinion. ~ Chinese Proverb.

207. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. ~ From Short Funny Quotes.

208. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again. ~ Unknown.

209. A blind person asked St. Anthony: "Can there be anything worse than losing one's eye sight?" He replied: "Yes, losing your vision!"

210: The English language has some wonderfully collective nouns for the various groups of living organisms:

• an Ambush of Tigers, Widows
• an Army of Caterpillars, Frogs
• an Aurora of Polar Bears
• a Babble of Barbers
• a Band of Robbers
• a Bask of Crocodiles
• a Battery of Barracudas
• a Bed of Clams, Cockles, Mussels, Oysters
• a Bloat of Hippopotami
• a Board of Trustees
• a Brood of Hens, Chickens
• a Cast of Actors
• a Charm of Hummingbirds
• a Choir of Singers
• a Clan of Hyenas
• a Class of Students
• a Clew of Worms
• a Cloud of Bats, Grasshoppers
• a Clutter of Spiders
• a Cohort of Zebras
• a Colony of Ants, Beavers, Rabbits, Rats, Seals, Termites, Wasps
• a Company of Parrots
• a Congregation of Magpies, Worshippers
• a Congress of Baboons
• a Crash of Rhinoceroses
• a Crew of Sailors
• a Culture of Bacteria
• a Den of Snakes, Thieves
• a Destruction of Wildcats
• an Eloquence of Lawyers
• an Exaltation of Doves, Larks
• a Faculty of Academics
• a Fall of Lambs
• a Family of Otters, Sardines
• a Flight of Butterflies, Dragons, Insects, Pigeons, Swallows
• a Flock of Birds, Camels, Chickens, Lice, Sheep, Tourists, Turkeys
• a Flush of Ducks
• a Gaggle of Geese, Women
• a Gang of Buffalos, Hoodlums, Workmen
• a Herd of Cattle, Cows, Dinosaurs, Llamas, Moose, Seahorses, Swans, Yaks
• a Host of Angels
• a Huddle of Walruses
• an Illusion of Magicians
• an Intrusion of Cockroaches
• a Knot of Toads
• a Leap of Leopards
• a Litter of Pups
• a Mess of Iguanas
• a Mischief of Mice
• a Mob of Kangaroos, Wallabyies, Wombats
• a Murder of Crows, Ravens, Rooks
• a Nursery of Raccoons
• an Orchestra of Musicians
• a Pack of Hounds, Wolves
• a Parliament of Owls
• a Picket of Strikers
• a Pity of Prisoners
• a Plague of Locusts
• a Pod of Pelicans
• a Posse of Police, Sheriffs
• a Prickle of Porcupines
• a Pride of Lions, Ostriches
• a Quiver of Cobras
• a Rhumba of Rattlesnakes
• a Rookery of Penguins
• a Run of Poultry
• a School of Fish, Porpoises, Whales
• a Scourge of Mosquitoes
• a Shiver of Sharks
• a Shoal of Fish, Mackerels, Minnows
• a Shrewdness of Apes
• a Slate of Candidates
• a Squabble of Seagulls
• a Squad of Soldiers
• a Stable of Horses
• a Stuck of Jellyfish
• a Stud of Mares
• a Surfeit of Skunks
• a Swarm of Bees, Eels, Flies
• a Team of Athletes, Oxen
• a Tribe of Natives
• a Troop of Boy Scouts, Chimps, Monkeys
• a Troupe of Acrobats, Minstrels, Performers, Shrimps
• a Watch of Nightingales

~ From: Collective Nouns.

211. I think, therefore I am.
Cogito ergo sum. (Latin).
Je pense donc je suis. (French). ~ René Descartes.
Ich denke, also bin ich. (German).
I think I am, therefore, I am. I think. ~ George Carlin.
I am what I am. That's all. ~ Popeye the Sailor Man.

212. A wistful waste makes a woeful want. ~ Virgil B. Lawrence.

213. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. ~ Maya Angelou.

214. It's always better to be judged by 12 than carried by 6.

215. The Senility Prayer: God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

216. Accept the world the way it is and allow yourself to be the way you are. ~ Jack Canfield.

217. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. ~ From Paraprosdokians - English Forums.

218. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. ~ From Paraprosdokians - English Forums.

219. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. ~ From Paraprosdokians - English Forums.

220. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were. ~ From Paraprosdokians - English Forums.

221. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. ~ From Paraprosdokians - English Forums.

222. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. ~ From Paraprosdokians - English Forums.

223. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. ~ From Paraprosdokians - English Forums.

224. There are no short cuts to any place worth going. ~ Beverly Sills.

225. A committee can make a decision that is dumber than any of its members. ~ David Coblitz.

226. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. ~ From Paraprosdokians - English Forums.

227. You're never too old to learn something stupid. ~ From Paraprosdokians - English Forums.

228. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it. ~ From Paraprosdokians - English Forums.

229. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. ~ From Paraprosdokians - English Forums.

230. Will Will will the will to Will? ~ Unknown.

231. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. ~ From Paul Niquette's paraprosdokian.

232. There's a price on your head? Take it! ~ From Jewish Paraprosdokians.

233. Laughter is the best medicine since you don't have health insurance. ~ From Jewish Paraprosdokians.

234. A friend in need is usually something you don't need. ~ From Jewish Paraprosdokians.

235. Men do make passes at girls who wear glasses, it depends on their frames. ~ Dorothy Parker.

236. Aspire to inspire before you expire. ~ Eugene Bell, Jr.

237. Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

238. Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. ~ Hilary Cooper.

George Carlin Google image from http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0807/george-carlin-george-carlin-dead-demotivational-poster-1215082688.jpg

239. George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country. ~ George Carlin.

240. The future will soon be a thing of the past. ~ George Carlin.

241. Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey. ~ George Carlin.

242. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it. ~ George Carlin.

243. "No comment" is a comment. ~ George Carlin.

244. So far, this is the oldest I've been. ~ George Carlin.

245. (On Christianity) Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money. ~ George Carlin.

246. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. ~ George Carlin.

247. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to years. ~ Dr. Bob Moorehead.

248. As we get older, it is not the things we did that we often regret, but the things we didn't do. ~ Unknown.
Possible origin of above quote: Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. ~ Sydney J. Harris.

249. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. ~ Unknown.

250. Anything you really want, you can attain, if you really go after it. ~ Wayne Dyer.

251. Conflict cannot survive without your participation. ~ Wayne Dyer.

252. What we think determines what happens to us, so if we want to change our lives, we need to stretch our minds. ~ Wayne Dyer.

253. Give me a child and I'll shape him into anything. ~ B. F. Skinner.

254. If you see someone without a smile today, give them one of yours! ~ Unknown.

255. Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid. ~ Albert Einstein.

256. Some people live and learn, others live but never learn. ~ I. Lee (26 January 2013)

257. I do my thing and you do yours. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, then it is beautiful. If not, it can't be helped. ~ Gestalt prayer. (Frederick Perls quote).

258. He who spends time regretting the past loses the present and risks the future. ~ Quevedo (Spanish poet, satirist, 1580-1645).

259. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

260. All religions are the same: religion is basically guilt, with different holidays. ~ Cathy Ladman.

261. When one person suffers from a delusion it is called insanity; when many people suffer from a delusion it is called religion. ~ Robert Pirsig.

262. A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually. ~ Abba Eban.

263. Infidel, n. In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does. ~ Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914) - From Quotations - Volume 5.

264. A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain. ~ Robert Frost.

265. The worst disability is a bad attitude. ~ Michael Muir.

266. Making mistakes is not a problem, not catching those mistakes is where the trouble starts. ~ Ed Berger.

267. Do something for somebody every day for which you do not get paid. ~ Albert Schweitzer.

268. The greatest joys are those that are shared. ~ Leon Fleisher.

269. You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. ~ Ogden Nash.

270. For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of potential happiness. ~ Quoted by Miriam Herwig - From Quotations - Volume 5.

271. Real heroes don't save the world, they serve the world. ~ Quoted by Linda Bird - From Quotations - Volume 5.

272. The richest person is not the one who has the most, but the one who needs the least. ~ Unknown.

273. Fear makes strangers of people who could be friends. ~ Shirley Maclaine.

274. What the mind doesn't understand, it worships or fears. ~ Alice Walker.

275. If you planted hope today in any hopeless heart,
If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part,
If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away,
If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray,
Then your day was well spent. ~ Anonymous.

276. Don't confuse what you have a right to do with what's right to do. ~ William Bennett.

277. Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm. ~ Winston Churchill.

278. Before eating, always take a little time to thank the food. ~ American Indian Proverb.

279. Doc, why is it that when I speak to God it's a prayer, and when God speaks to me it's schizophrenia? ~ Russian Joke - From Quotations - Volume 5.

280. If you talk to God you're religious. If God talks to you, you're psychotic. ~ Unknown.

281. Trust is the first step to love. ~ Munshi Premchand.

281. He who wants to accomplish finds a way. He who doesn't, finds an excuse. ~ Hector D. Cantu and Carlos Castellanos in Baldo (Cartoon) - From Quotations - Volume 5.

282. Whenever two people meet, there are really six people present. There is each man as he sees himself, each man as the other person sees him, and each man as he really is. ~ William James.

283. Almost all our faults are more pardonable than the methods we resort to to hide them. ~ Francois de La Rochefoucauld.

284. Men build too many walls and not enough bridges. ~ Isaac Newton.

285. Journalists do not believe the lies of politicians, but they do repeat them, which is even worse! ~ Michel Colucci.

286. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. ~ Wayne Gretzky.

287. If you think you can, you can. If you think you can't, you're right. ~ Mary Kay Ash.

288. Forget injuries, never forget kindnesses. ~ Confucius.

289. In the end only kindness matters. ~ Jim Garnett.

290. Talent is God-given; be humble. Fame is man-given; be thankful. Conceit is self-given; be careful. ~ John R. Wooden.

291. In one and the same fire, clay grows hard and wax melts. ~ Francis Bacon.

292. Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian. ~ Robert Orben.

293. There is usually only a limited amount of damage that can be done by dull or stupid people. For creating a truly monumental disaster, you need people with high IQs. ~ Thomas Sowell.

294. He who knows others is wise; he who knows himself is enlightened. ~ Lao Tzu.

295. Fantasy is the impossible made probable. Science fiction is the improbable made possible. ~ Rod Serling.

296. We are all atheists about most of the gods that societies have ever believed in. Some of us just go one god further. ~ Richard Dawkins.

297. The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom. ~ Isaac Asimov.

298. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect. ~ Unknown.

299. There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all. ~ Peter Drucker.

300. The cardinal doctrine of a fanatic's creed is that his enemies are the enemies of God. ~ Andrew Dickson White.

301. Every one is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody. ~ Mark Twain.

302. The truth always turns out to be simpler than you thought. ~ Richard Feynman.

303. It's easy to make good decisions when there are no bad options. ~ Robert Half.

304. The search for someone to blame is always successful. ~ Robert Half.

305. Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat. ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald.

306. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. ~ Unknown.

307. Worry is a misuse of imagination. ~ Dan Zadra in Together We Can.

308. It is not how old you are, but how you are old. ~ Jules Renard.

309. English is a funny language. A fat chance and a slim chance are the same thing. ~ Jack Herbert.

310. The height of embarrassment is when two sets of eyes meet through a keyhole. ~ Unknown.

311. No matter how busy a man is, he is never too busy to stop and talk about how busy he is. ~ Unknown.

312. Leopards! Be ready for a spot check! ~ Graffiti.

313. One holds his job by knowing how. One becomes boss by knowing why. ~ Perry Tanksley.

314. Civilization is a limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities. ~ Mark Twain.

315. The greatest influence on a child begins with the birth of his parents. ~ Les Crane.

316. Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!

317. The three great essentials of happiness are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for. ~ W. A. Nance (attr. to Joseph Addison, and also to Alexander Chalmers).

318. There are three ingredients in the good life: Learning, earning and yearning. ~ Christopher Morley.

319. It is better to be able to appreciate things you cannot have than to have things you are not able to appreciate. ~ Unknown.

320. Society takes action only when gangrene sets in. ~ H. D. Doan.

321. There is no cure for birth and death, save to enjoy the interval. ~ George Santayana.

322. Luck is the crossroads where preparation and opportunity meet. ~ Unknown.

323. Luck is what you have left over after you give 100 percent. ~ Langston Coleman.

324. Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

325. O Lord, help my words to be gracious and tender today, for tomorrow I may have to eat them. ~ Unknown.

326. The trouble with half-truths is that people tend to believe the wrong half. ~ Unknown.

327. A half truth is a whole lie. ~ Yiddish Proverb.

328. He who's not busy living is busy dying. ~ Bob Dylan.

329. The question is not how busy we are, but what are we busy about. ~ Henry David Thoreau.

330. Averages are composed of all abnormalities. ~ C. VanDenBrink.

331. Average is the best of the worst and the worst of the best. ~ Unknown.

332. If I accept the sunshine and warmth, I must also accept the thunder and the lightning. ~ Kahlil Gibran.

333. If you don't have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over? ~ Unknown.

334. There are only two lasting bequests we can give our children: one is roots, the other, wings. ~ Hodding Carter.

335. To love someone is to stay close enough to touch, leaving space enough to grow. ~ Unknown.

336. Only the man who is below the average in economic ability desires equality; those who are conscious of superior ability desire freedom; and in the end superior ability has its way. ~ Will and Ariel Durant.

337. Life is not a having and a getting, but a being and a becoming. ~ Matthew Arnold.

338. A ship in a harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for. ~ Socrates.

339. No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted. ~ Aesop.

340. What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson.

341. Most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing in our own sunshine. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson.

342. For every complex question there is a simple answer. And it's wrong. ~ H. L. Mencken.

343. A narrow mind has a broad tongue. ~ Arabian Proverb.

344. Love is the irresistible desire to be desired irresistibly. ~ Louis Ginsberg.

345. When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us. ~ Alexander Graham Bell.

346. Quality is remembered long after price is forgotten. ~ Julian Morel.

347. Never lie in bed at night asking yourself questions you can't answer. ~ Charles M. Schultz.

348. Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects. ~ Arnold H. Glasow.

349. The most important things in life aren't things. ~ Anthony J. D'Angelo. The best things in life aren't things. ~ Unknown.

350. People without hope for tomorrow have a very difficult time living for today. ~ Doug Kanney.

351. To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.

352. There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. ~ Albert Einstein.

353. You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try. ~ Beverly Sills.

354. To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might just be the world. ~ Unknown.

355. Anyone can become angry - that is easy, but to become angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not easy. ~ Aristotle.

356. Don't let yesterday use up too much of today. ~ Will Rogers.

357. Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without. ~ Buddha.

358. The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one. ~ Elbert Hubbard.

359. We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails. ~ Unknown.

360. Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible. ~ John Wooden.

361. Happiness is inward, and not outward; and so, it does not depend on what we have, but on what we are. ~ Henry Van Dyke.

362. Worry is as useless as a handle on a snowball. ~ Mitzi Chandler .

363. It is better to look ahead and prepare than to look back and regret. ~ Jacqueline "Jackie" Joyner-Kersee.

364. Don't count every hour in the day, make every hour in the day count. ~ Anonymous.

365. If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion. ~ Dalai Lama.

366. A difficult time can be more readily endured if we retain the conviction that our existence holds a purpose: a cause to pursue, a person to love, a goal to achieve. ~ John Maxwell.

367. Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. ~ Albert Einstein.

368. Definition of Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

369. Definition of a Nillionaire: A person with little or no money.

370. A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. ~ Milton Berle.

371. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. ~ Lana Turner.

372. All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. ~ Casey Stengel.

373. To love is nothing. To be loved is something. To love and be loved is everything. ~ Unknown.

374. English Church Bulletins as they actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services (Adapted from a variety of sources including Funny Church Bulletin Board Notices):

● The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

● The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

● Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

● The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

● Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

● Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

● For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

● Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

● The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'

● Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

● A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

● At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

● Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

● Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

● The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

● Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 p.m. - prayer and medication to follow.

● The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

● This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

● Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 a.m. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

● The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

● Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.

● The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

● Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

● Join us tonight for prayers, coffee and fresh beagles.

● Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

● This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

● Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed accompanied by the pastor."

● This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

● The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

● Ushers will eat latecomers.

● The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

● The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 p.m. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

● Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

● The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

● Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

● The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

● Wrinkled with burdens? Come to church for a faith lift!

375. Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

376. When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

377. Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. ~ Bob Hope.

378. I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

388. Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.

389. Children in the back seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause children!

390. Girls have an unfair advantage over men: If they can't get what they want by being smart, they can get it by being dumb. ~ Yul Brynner.

391. It takes 8,460 bolts to assemble an automobile, and one nut to scatter it all over the road.

392. If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment. ~ Dave Allen.

393. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. ~ Unknown.

394. A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts. ~ Steve Fergosi.

395. On Welfare:

● You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.
● What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.
● The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

396. There may be a time when we are powerless to prevent injustice, but there must never be a time when we fail to protest. ~ Elie Wiesel.

397. I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches. ~ Alice Roosevelt Longworth.

398. Don't go through life, grow through life. ~ Eric Butterworth.

399. The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions. ~ Alfred Adler.

400. The main facts in human life are five: birth, food, sleep, love and death. ~ E.M. Forster.

401. The purpose of life is a life of purpose. ~ Robert Byrne.

402. To live a pure unselfish life, one must count nothing as one's own in the midst of abundance. ~ Buddha.

403. Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined. ~ Henry David Thoreau (American Essayist, Poet and Philosopher, 1817-1862)

404. Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference. ~ Unknown.

405. If you need a shoulder to cry on, pull off to the side of the road. ~ Maxine.

406. The only thing constant in life is change. ~ François de La Rochefoucauld.

407. Few people have the wisdom to prefer the criticism that would do them good, to the praise that deceives them. ~ François de La Rochefoucauld.

408. Thinkers think and doers do. But until the thinkers do and the doers think, progress will be just another word in the already overburdened vocabulary by sense. ~ François de La Rochefoucauld.

409. To eat is a necessity, but to eat intelligently is an art. ~ François de La Rochefoucauld.

410. Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two Hearts and a Diamond. By the end, you wish you had a Club and a Spade. ~ Aunty Acid.

411. Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in and those inside are desperate to come out.

412. Every end has a new beginning. ~ Carissa Ciciarelli.

413. DID YOU KNOW About These Strange Facts or Useless Knowledge?
Note: Some of these may not be true or factual. If they seem suspicious, check them out on Snopes.com.


● Each King on playing cards represent a King in real history?
♠ Spades: King David
♣ Clubs: Alexander the Great
Hearts: Charlesmagne - Only King without a moustache on a standard playing card.
Diamonds: Julius Caesar

Miscellaneous:

● Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.

● One barrel of petroleum holds 42 gallons.

● There are so many kinds of apples that if you ate a new one every day, it would take you over 20 years to try them all.

● No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.

● If you started working for a penny a day with the stipulation that your pay doubled each day, you'd be a millionaire in less than a month. (On the 21st day, you would be making $1,048,576.00).

● February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

● A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

● Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

● The most popular first name in the world is Muhammad.

● Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

● A 2 x 4 is really 1-1/2" by 3-1/2".

● The typical lead pencil can draw a line that is thirty five miles long.

● The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.

● The Bible does not say there were three wise men; it only says there were three gifts.

Animals, Birds, Reptiles, Insects, etc.:

● In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

● Chicks, like humans, count from left to right. Audubon.org: Birds in the News.

● Cheetahs are the fastest land animal and can reach speeds up to 72 mph.

● One of the most dangerous insects in the world is the common housefly. Houseflies carry and transmit more diseases than any other creatures in the world.

● Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

● Scallops have up to 100 eyes around the edge of their mantles.

● Sea otters hold hands while they sleep, so they don't drift apart at night.

● A snail can sleep for three years.

● An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

● The original name for butterfly was flutterby.

● The bloodhound is the only animal in the world whose evidence is admissible in court.

● For more than 3,000 years, Carpenter Ants have been used to close wounds in India, Asia, Australia and South America. See 11 Biomaterials that can heal the human body. Including, yes, biting ants.

● At 188 decibels, the whistle of the blue whale is the loudest sound produced by any animal.

● A blue whale's tongue is bigger than an elephant.

● A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

● A chameleon's tongue is twice the length of its body.

● If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

● Starfish have no brains. A starfish doesn't have a brain in its head like we do. Instead its entire nervous system acts like a distributed brain. Starfish from Wiki.Answers.

● A rat can last longer without water than a camel.

● A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.

● The poisonous part of chocolate for our four-legged friends is a chemical called theobromine. While harmless to humans, it can lead to epileptic seizures and death in dogs. Also, don't feed your dog with walnuts or raw onions. (See: Dogs and Chocolate: Get the Facts and Foods That Are Hazardous to Dogs).

● The Basenji dog is the only dog that is not able to bark.

● Dogs and Humans are the only animals with prostates.

● Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.

● A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

● A duck's quack has no echo, and nobody knows why.

● A cockroach can live 9 days without its head. It only dies because it cannot eat.

● Butterflies taste with their feet.

● A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

● A hedgebog's heart beats an average of 300 times a minute.

● A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

● Giant tortoises from the Galapagos can survive without food or water for up to a year.

● All polar bears are left handed.

● Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Hippos and Rhinos have only two knees and can jump. Elephants have four knees).

● Emus cannot walk backwards.

● Kangaroos cannot walk. They can only jump. (Ankle bones of Kangaroos have been adapted for bipedal hopping).

● A new born kangaroo is small enough to fit in a spoon.

● A leech has 32 brains.

● The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

● Dolphins sleep with one eye open.

● Slugs have four noses.

● A chicken with red earlobes will produce brown eggs, and a chicken with white earlobes will produce white eggs.

● All pandas are owned by China. China rents a pair of giant pandas out to zoos for $1 million a year for a minimum of 10 years.

Business:

The World's Most Valuable Brands 2013: 1. Apple. 2. Microsoft. 3. Coca-Cola. 4. IBM. 5. Google. 6. McDonald's. 7. General Electric (GE). 8. Intel. 9. Samsung. 10. Louis Vuitton (LV luxury products). 11. BMW. 12. Cisco. 13. Oracle. 14. Toyota. 15. AT&T. 16. Mercedes-Benz. 17.Disney. 18. Wal-Mart. 19. Budweiser. 20 Honda. 21. SAP (application software). 22. Verizon. 23. Gillette. 24. Nike. 25. Pepsi.

The World's Most Valuable Brands 2015: 1. Apple. 2. Microsoft. 3. Google. 4. Coca-Cola. 5. IBM. 6. McDonald's. 7. Samsung. 8. Toyota. 9. General Electric (GE). 10. Facebook. 11. Disney. 12. AT&T. 13. Amazon. 14. Louis Vuitton (LV luxury products). 15. Cisco. 16. BMW. 17. Oracle. 18. Nike. 19. Intel. 20. Wal-Mart. 21. Verizon. 22. American Express. 23. Honda. 24. Mercedes-Benz. 25. Budweiser.

Countries, Places:

● Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country.

● Toronto, Ontario, Canada was the first city in the world with a computerized traffic signal system.

● With 1896 km (1178 mi), the Yonge Street in Canada, is the longest street in the world.
Note from Wikipedia: "Until 1999, the Guinness Book of World Records repeated the popular misconception that it [Yonge Street] was 1,896 km (1,178 mi) long, and thus the longest street in the world; this was due to a mistaken conflation of Yonge Street with the rest of Ontario's Highway 11. Yonge Street (including the Bradford-to-Barrie extension) is actually 86 kilometres (53.4379 miles) long."

● On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag. (Not true! An American flag has never appeared on any Canadian Banknote. The flag on the $10 banknote, which might look like the American flag to some people, is actually the Canadian Red Ensign - Canada's old flag before the Maple Leaf flag in 1965.

● In Canada, Mexico, India, Russia and Israel, bank notes have Braille-like markings on them for the blind.

● The entire population of Canada (35,540,400 on July 1, 2014) has fewer people than Tokyo's metropolitan area (37,832,892 in 2014).

● The name "Canada" comes from the St. Lawrence Iroquoian language word "Kanata" meaning "Village".

● In Canada, polar bear swims take place on New Year's Day to celebrate the new year. People of all ages don bathing suits and plunge into the icy-cold lake water.

● Residents of Churchill, Manitoba, Canada leave their cars unlocked to offer an escape for pedestrians who might encounter polar bears.

● Licence plates in the Canadian Northwest Territories are shaped like polar bears. (Yellowknife, NT is 1170 km or 727 miles northwest of Churchill, MB).

● Canada has the largest coastline in the world.

● Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world's lakes combined.

● All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the American $5 bill.

● An American dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

● The University of Alaska spans four time zones.

● The USA bought Alaska from Russia for about 2 cents per acre ($4.74/km2). Treaty signed at 4 a.m. on March 30, 1867 with the purchase price set at $7.2 million.

● In 1819, the USA purchased Florida from Spain for the cancellation of a $5 million debt.

● Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of their birthplace.

●If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

● In the United States, Maine is the only state which name is just one syllable.

● There are upwards of 61,000 people in the air over the United States of America at an time on any given day. This is due to the U.S. having the largest number of airports worldwide accounting for roughly 1/3 of the world's total airports.

● The shortest flight in the world is by Loganair, a Scottish airline. The entire journey between two Orkney Islands, Westray and Papa Westray is a 1,750 yard flight, which takes as little as 47 seconds or up to 2 minutes, depending on winds.
The longest flight in the world is Qantas' flight from Sydney, Australia to Dallas, Texas, a 17-hour flight which spans about 8,576 miles.

● There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

● The Palazzo, a luxury hotel and casino resort located on the Las Vegas Strip in Paradise, Nevada, is named the largest hotel in the world by the Guinness Book of World Records. Its total floor area covers 6,948,980 square feet (645,581 m2).

● Norway will allow any student from anywhere in the world to study at its Public Universities completely free of charge.

● The Netherlands is closing 19 prisons due to a serious prisoner shortage.

● China has more English speakers than the United States.

● Chopsticks originated from China approximately 4,000 years ago.

● In 1391, China began producing toliet paper for use by its Emperors.

● The only South East Asian country that has never been colonized by a Western Power is Thailand.

● Mongolia is the least densely populated country in the world with 1.89 people per square kilometer, or around 0.77 people per square mile, in 2014.
Macau (a Special Administrative Region of the People's Republic of China) is the most densely populated country/territory in the world with 54,882 people per square kilometer, circa March 31, 2014.

● Japan has approximately 200 volcanoes and is home to 10% of the active volcanoes in the world.

● At Japan's Yunessun Spa Resort, visitors can go for a swim in their favorite beverage, such as in the Japanese Sake Spa, Green Tea Spa, Coffee Spa and Wine Spa. A massive 2 meter tall teapot with real green tea, real coffee made with hot spring water, a huge 3.6 meter tall wine bottle with real red wine, a huge cask filled with real Japanese sake, pours out the desired rejuvenating elixirs into the spa.

● 99% of Libya's land mass is covered in desert.

● The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.

● Papua New Guinea (Ethnic groups: Melanesian, Papuan, Negrito, Micronesian, Polynesian) has the largest number of spoken languages (850 languages circa 2015).

● Istanbul, Turkey is the only city in the world located on two continents.

● The San Alfonso del Mar resort in Chile has the world's largest swimming pool. The pool is 1,013 m (3,323 ft) long, covering 8 ha (20 acres), containing some 250 million litres (66 million US gallons) of seawater, with a maximum depth of 11.5 ft (3.5 m).

Earth, Moon, Sun, Stars, Planets:

● Because it takes so long for their light to reach Earth, many of the stars you see at night are long gone.

● The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.

● The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.

● Due to earth's gravity, it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.

● There is more fresh water under the earth's surface than there is above it.

● Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

● A comet's tail always points away from the sun.

● If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.

● Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.

● A lightning bolt generates temperatures five times hotter than those found at the sun's surface.

● There are 500,000 detectable earthquakes in the world each year.

Famous People:

● Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w the film down so you could see his moves.

● Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.

● Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

● The month of October is not mentioned at all in any of William Shakespeare's plays.

● Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Humans:

● Everyone has a unique smell, except for identical twins, who smell the same.

● Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

● If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

● One out of 20 people have an extra rib. See Cervical rib from Wikipedia.

● Nerve impulses to and from the brain travel as fast as 170 miles per hour.

● The body's strongest muscle is our tongue, and it is the only muscle attached at one end. Also, there are no two tongue prints that are alike.

● Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

● Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.

● A sneeze travels out of your mouth at over 100 m.p.h.

● It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

● Fingernails grow nearly four times faster than toenails.

● Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

● Men are six times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.

● What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
      Answer: All were invented by women.

● Your left lung is smaller than your right lung to make room for your heart.

● Right-handed people tend to chew food on their right side.

● Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

● Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you are not.

● It is impossible to lick your elbow. Bet You Can't .... BuzzFeed Video, 2:01 min.
● The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska.

● Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

● The largest cell in the human body is the female egg, and the smallest is the male sperm.

● Your eyes are always the same size from birth but your nose and ears never stop growing.

● The tooth is the only part of the human body that can't heal itself.

● A person's height is determined by the father, and weight is determined by the mother.

● The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as an encyclopedia.

● Your brain uses 20% of the oxygen that enters your bloodstream, and is itself made up of 80% water.

● Like fingerprints, every individual has an unique tongue print that can be used for identification.

● Though it interprets pain signals from the rest of the body, the brain itself cannot feel pain.

● The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for Blood Plasma.

● There are three things the human brain cannot resist noticing: food, attractive people, and danger.

● Our brain uses the same amount of power as a 10-watt light bulb.

● Our body gives enough heat in 30 minutes to boil 1.5 liters of water.

● If a part of your body "falls asleep", you can almost always "wake it up" by shaking your head.

● A human head remains conscious for about 15 to 20 seconds after it has been decapitated.

● You can survive without eating for weeks, but you will only live 11 days without sleeping.

● Sleeping without a pillow reduces back pain and keeps your spine stronger.

● In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase: "Goodnight, sleep tight."

● The colder the room you sleep in, the higher the chances are that you'll have a bad dream.

● People who laugh a lot are healthier than those who don't.

● It takes 17 muscles to smile and 43 to frown.

● A pair of human feet contain 250,000 sweat glands. There are about a trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

● Putting dry tea bags in gym bags or smelly shoes will absorb the unpleasant odor.

● About one third of the human race has 20-20 vision. (Excluding those who had cataract surgeries).

● If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

● When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.

● Every three days, a human stomach gets a new lining.

● Humans are born with 300 bones in their body, however, when a person reaches adulthood, he or she only has 206 bones. This occurs because many of them join together to make a single bone.

● The average life span of a single red blood cell is 120 days.

● The most common blood type in the world is Type O. The rarest blood type, called HH, was first discovered in Bombay in 1952, and hence christened as Bombay Blood. People who carry this rare blood type, about 1 in 10,000 Indians, can accept blood only from another Bombay Blood type individual, and not from anyone who is O, A, B or AB type.

● The palms of your hands and the soles of your feet cannot tan, or grow hair.

● By 60 years of age, 60% of men and 40% of women will snore.

● By the age of 60, most people will have lost about half their taste buds.

● The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.

● Laziness and inactivity kill just as many people as smoking.

Law, History:

● In California, it is illegal for a vehicle without a driver to exceed 60 miles per hour.

● In Chicago, it is illegal for anyone to eat in a place that is on fire.

● In Devon, Texas, it is against the law to make furniture while you are nude.

● In Kentucky, it's illegal to paint your lawn red.

● In Miami, Florida, imitating animals is illegal.

● In Michigan, it is illegal to chain an alligator to a fire hydrant.

● In Oklahoma, it is illegal to make faces at a dog, a crime that could result in a prison sentence.

● In San Francisco, it's illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.

● In South Carolina, it is legal to beat your wife on the court house steps on Sundays.

● In Tennessee, you are breaking the law if you drive while sleeping.

● In British Columbia, it is illegal to kill a Sasquatch or Bigfoot if one is ever found.

● In England, it is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the King or Queen upside down.

● In Germany, it is illegal to stop on an autobahn (expressway). It is also illegal to run out of gas on an autobahn.

● In France, it is illegal to name a pig "Napoleon".

● In France, it is stated as illegal to marry a dead person.

● In Samoa, it is a crime to forget your own wife's birthday.

● In San Salvador, drunk drivers can be sentenced to death by firing squad.

● In Singapore, chewing gum is illegal. Spitting in public is also illegal and can result in arrest.

● In Bangladesh, children age 15 and older can be sent to jail for cheating on their final exams.

● In Lebanon, if a man is caught having sex with a male animal, the penalty is death. Sex with a female animal is okay.

● In Thailand it is illegal to step on money because it has the image of the king on it and stepping on it signifies disrespect.

● In Hong Kong, there's a law that allows a wife to kill her husband if she finds him cheating. However, she must kill him with her bare hands.

● The only two states where divorce is illegal are the Philippines and The Vatican.

● In Fiji, public nudity and topless bathing are illegal.

● In Saudi Arabia, there is no minimum age for marriage. In 2008, a Saudi court refused an 8-year-old girl, who asked for a divorce from her 58-year-old husband.

● The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

● The stethoscope was invented because a French doctor felt uncomfortable placing his face on a younger woman's chest.

● The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. It was the fashion in Renaissance Florence to shave them off.

● The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries.

● The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

● The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

● If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

● The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.

● In 1631, two London bible printers accidentally left the word "not" out of the seventh commandment, which then read, "Thou shalt commit adultery." This legendary book is now known as the "Wicked Bible."

Letters, Numbers, Dates, Language:

● In the English language, this word has only one vowel, which occurs five times: "indivisibility."

● The words "abstemious" and "facetious" both have all five vowels "a, e, i, o, u" in them in order.

● The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

● The pound sign (#) on the keyboard is called an octothorpe.

● 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

● The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.

● The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.

● "I." is the shortest sentence, and "I am." is the second shortest complete sentence in the English language.

● If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
      Answer: One thousand.

● Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.

● The abbreviation Xmas for the word Christmas is of Greek origin, as the word for Christ in the Greek language is Xristos.

● Samhainophobia is the the fear of Halloween.

● The fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth is called Arachibutyrophobia.

● The word "queueing" has five consecutive vowels.

● "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

● The following sentence uses every letter of the alphabet: "The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog."

Plants, Food, Drink:

● Almonds are a member of the peach family.

● Macadamia nuts are not sold in their shells because it takes 300 psi (pounds of pressure per square inch) to crack the shell. They are the toughest nuts in the world.

● Honey is the only food that does not spoil.

● Black pepper is the most popular spice in the world.

● Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450F.

● The first Jack O'Lanterns were actually made from turnips.

● One ragweed plant can release as many as one billion grains of pollen.

Science:

● The tip of a bullwhip moves so fast that it breaks the sound barrier. The crack of the whip is actually a tiny sonic boom.

● Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it is buried in the ground for thousands of years.

● Graphene, the world's strongest material, is a million times thinner than paper, but 200 times stronger than steel.

● Pearls dissolve in vinegar.

● Brass doorknobs automatically disinfect themselves in about 8 hours.

● Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.

● The more a person struggles to get out of quicksand the faster he or she will sink. Staying still, and being calm will actually make the body float in the quicksand because the body is less dense than the quicksand. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.

● For more strange facts, check out Great Facts
Weird Facts.
Interesting Facts
Totally Useless Knowledge
The Official Useless Knowledge LIST
Useless Knowledge
Usefulness of Useless Knowledge.

414. If you care too much about what other people think, you will always be their prisoner. ~ Unknown.

415. Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. ~ Charles M. Schulz.

416. Be yourself, everyone else is taken. ~ Oscar Wilde.

417. Be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else. ~ Judy Garland.

418. Don't join dangerous cults: practice safe sects.

419. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. ~ Helen Rowland.

420. A wise woman puts a grain of sugar into everything she says to a man, and takes a grain of salt with everything he says to her. ~ Helen Rowland.

421. Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it. ~ Swedish Proverb.

422. Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible and receives the impossible. ~ Corrie ten Boom (1892 - 1983).

423. Faith is to believe what we do not see; the reward of this faith is to see what we believe. ~ Saint Augustine.

424. Never believe anything until it has been officially denied. ~ Claud Cockburn.

425. Life is like a grammar lesson. You find the past perfect and the present tense. ~ Adolf Hitler.

426. People may not always believe what you say, but they will believe what you do. ~ Adolf Hitler.

427. If you tell a big enough lie and tell it frequently enough, it will be believed. ~ Adolf Hitler.

428. Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life. ~ Confucius.

429. I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand. ~ Confucius.

430. In a country well governed, poverty is something to be ashamed of. In a country badly governed, wealth is something to be ashamed of. ~ Confucius.

431. It is more shameful to distrust our friends than to be deceived by them. ~ Confucius.

432. Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.~ Confucius.

433. To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it. ~ Confucius.

434. What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others. ~ Confucius. (Do unto others as you would have them do to you. ~ English golden rule.)

435. When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don't adjust the goals, adjust the action steps. ~ Confucius.

436. Wisdom, compassion, and courage are the three universally recognized moral qualities of men. ~ Confucius.

437. Nothing is untouchable. ~ Michael Phelps.

438. May your troubles be less,
        And your blessings be more,
        And nothing but happiness,
        Come through your door. ~ Irish Blessing.

439. May you have the hindsight to know where you've been,
        The foresight to know where you're going,
        And the insight to know when you're going too far. ~ Irish Blessing.

440. May your pockets be heavy,
        And your heart be light.
        May good luck pursue you
        Each morning and night. ~ Irish Blessing.

441. May you live as long as you want,
        And never want as long as you live. ~ Irish Blessing.

442. As you slide down the banisters of life,
        May the splinters never point the wrong way. ~ Irish Blessing.

443. May your troubles be as few,
        And as far apart,
        As my Grandmother's teeth. ~ Irish Blessing.

444. May the roof above us never fall in,
        And may we friends gathered below never fall out. ~ Irish Blessing.

445. May you be poor in misfortune,
        Rich in blessings,
        Slow to make enemies,
        Quick to make friends.
        But rich or poor, quick or slow,
        May you know nothing but happiness from this day foward. ~ Irish Blessing.

446. The more you know, the more you realize you know nothing. ~ Socrates.

447. The more I learn, the less I know. ~ Unknown.

448. Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo. ~ H. G. Wells.

449. Unhappiness is best defined as the difference between our talents and our expectations. ~ Edward de Bono.

450. Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted. ~ Albert Einstein.

451. There are no facts, only interpretations. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche.

452. Try to learn something about everything and everything about something. ~ Thomas Henry Huxley.

453. Everybody pities the weak; jealousy you have to earn. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

454. If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. ~ J. Paul Getty .

455. Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth. ~ Sherlock Holmes (by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle).

456. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true. ~ James Branch Cabell.

457. A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship. ~ John D. Rockefeller.

458. Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away. ~ Antoine de Saint Exupery.

459. In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience. ~ W.B. Prescott.

460. Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung. ~ Voltaire.

461. Never mistake motion for action. ~ Ernest Hemingway.

462. Well done is better than well said. ~ Benjamin Franklin.

463. Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd,
        Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd. ~ William Congreve (1670-1729). Spoken by Zara in Act III, Scene VIII in The Mourning Bride (1697).

        Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned,
        Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorned. ~ William Congreve (in modern English).

        Commonly paraphrased as "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."

464. Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity. ~ Irving Kristol.

465. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. ~ Mark Twain.

466. The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins. ~ Oliver Wendell Holmes.

467. Love is friendship set on fire. ~ Jeremy Taylor.

468. If you are reading it, it's History.
If you are hearing it, it's News. ~ 680 News.

469. Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go. ~ T.S. Elliot.

470. Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek. ~ Barack Obama.

471. It is never too late to be what you might have been. ~ George Eliot.

472. One person with a belief is equal to a force of 99 who have only interests. ~ John Stuart Mill.

473. Procrastination is one of the most common and deadliest of diseases and its toll on success and happiness is heavy. ~ Wayne Gretzky.

474. Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves. ~ Confucius.

475. Respect yourself and others will respect you. ~ Confucius.

476. When anger rises, think of the consequences. ~ Confucius.

477. Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. ~ Rick Cook.

478. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

479. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

480. Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

        Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. ~ Larry Lorenzoni.

481. The mark of wisdom lies, more than anything else, in the ability to listen. ~ Buddhist quote.

482. A person's true nature is revealed at times of the greatest adversity. ~ Buddhist quote.

483. Remaining silent in the face of injustice is the same as supporting it. ~ Buddhist quote.

484. In the fight between justice and evil, taking a neutral stance and being indifferent is the same as siding with evil. ~ Buddhist quote.

485. A lack of gratitude is a sign of arrogance. ~ Buddhist quote.

486. Those who have suffered the most have the right to the greatest happiness. ~ Buddhist quote.

487. There may be a retirement age at work, but there is no retirement age in life. ~ Buddhist quote.

488. When you respect others, others will respect you.
        When you despise others, others will come to despise you.
        When you change, the world around you will change. ~ Buddhist quote.

489. A single word can scar another. ~ Buddhist quote.

490. The important thing is not just to sympathize with or to pity others, but to really understand what they're going through. Empathy is crucial. ~ Buddhist quote.

491. Human rights start with recognizing the importance of every individual. ~ Buddhist quote.

492. Human rights, democracy and peace are a single entity. When one disintegrates, they all disintegrate. ~ Buddhist quote.

493. No human being can escape the eternal rhythms of life: birth, aging, sickness, death. The crucial thing is not to be defeated by them. ~ Buddhist quote.

494. The worst mistake you can make is to give up on yourself and stop challenging yourself for fear of failure. ~ Buddhist quote.

495. The greatest tragedy in life is not to die, it is to live as if dead, to let the life within us wither. ~ Buddhist quote.

496. Human beings are inherently endowed with the power to bring out the best possible results from the worst possible circumstances. ~ Buddhist quote.

497. When you hold fast to your beliefs and live true to yourself, your true value as a human being shines through. ~ Buddhist quote.

498. A healthy relationship is one in which two people encourage each other to reach their respective goals while sharing each other's hopes and dreams. ~ Buddhist quote.

499. It is important to remember that aging and growing old are not necessarily the same. ~ Buddhist quote.

500. For both victor and vanquished, war leaves only a sense of endless futility. ~ Buddhist quote.

501. Each religion can be made a force for good or for evil by the people who practice it. ~ Buddhist quote.

502. It is in the midst of suffering and hardship that strength of character is formed. ~ Buddhist quote.

503. Gold is gold, no matter how muddied it becomes. The truth always wins out in the end. ~ Buddhist quote.

504. The greatest and most enduring triumph as a human being lies in knowing that one is doing one's best. ~ Buddhist quote.

505. A genuinely happy person is one who has made others happy. ~ Buddhist quote.

506. The real struggle of the 21st century will not be between civilizations, nor between religions. It will be between violence and nonviolence. It will be between barbarity and civilization in the truest sense of the word. ~ Words of Wisdom, Buddhist Inspiration from Daisaku Ikeda.

507. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

508. Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair. ~ Sam Ewing.

509. Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed. ~ Charles Schulz.

510. I'm sixty years of age. That's 16 Celsius. ~ George Carlin.

511. A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. ~ Robert Frost.

512. The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. ~ Lucille Ball.

513. Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. ~ Leroy "Satchel" Paige.

514. In youth, the days are short and the years are long;
        In old age, the years are short and the days long. ~ Nikita Ivanovich Panin.

515. Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. ~ Unknown.

516. A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams. ~ John Barrymore.

517. Forty is the old age of youth; fifty the youth of old age. ~ Victor Hugo.

518. The key to successful aging is to pay as little attention to it as possible. ~ Judith Regan.

519. The first half of life consists of the capacity to enjoy without the chance; the last half consists of the chance without the capacity. ~ Mark Twain.

520. There's no such thing as too late. That's why they invented death. ~ From the movie Out to Sea.

521. None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm. ~ Henry David Thoreau.

522. You are younger today than you ever will be again. Make use of it for the sake of tomorrow. ~ Anonymous.

523. As a graduate of the Zsa Zsa Gabor School of Creative mathematics, I honestly do not know how old I am. ~ Erma Bombeck.

524. Like a lot of fellows around here, I have a furniture problem. My chest has fallen into my drawers. ~ Billy Casper.

525. One of the best parts of growing older? You can flirt all you like since you've become harmless. ~ Liz Smith.

526. Middle age is when a narrow waist and a broad mind begin to change places. ~ Unknown.

527. We are always the same age inside. ~ Gertrude Stein.

528. A man is as old as he's feeling,
A woman as old as she looks. ~ Mortimer Collins.

529. Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty. ~ Henry Ford.

530. No one grows old by living, only by losing interest in living. ~ Marie Beynon Ray.

531. Speak clearly, if you speak at all; Carve every word, before you let it fall. ~ Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

Note: Almost all Chinese proverbs listed below can be expressed in just four Chinese characters.

532. An inch of time is an inch of gold, but you can't buy that inch of time with an inch of gold. ~ Chinese proverb.

533. Four horses cannot overtake the tongue. ~ Chinese proverb.

534. Four swiftest horses cannot overtake the word once spoken. ~ Chinese proverb.

535. Water and words are easy to pour but impossible to recover. ~ Chinese proverb.

536. In the midst of great joy, do not promise to give a man anything; in the midst of great anger, do not answer a man's letter. ~ Chinese proverb.

537. If you are patient in a moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow. ~ Chinese proverb.

538. Better do it than wish it done. ~ Chinese proverb.

539. Better go to heaven in rags than to hell in embroidery. ~ Chinese proverb.

540. Think of your own faults the first part of the night when you are awake, and the faults of others the latter part of the night when you are asleep. ~ Chinese proverb.

541. Not only can water float a boat, it can sink it also. ~ Chinese proverb.

542. Rivers and mountains may change; human nature, never. ~ Chinese proverb.

543. A closed mind is like a closed book; just a block of wood. ~ Chinese proverb.

544. Learning is weightless - a treasure you can always carry easily. ~ Chinese proverb.

545. Learning is a treasure no thief can touch. ~ Chinese proverb.

546. If you are planning for a year, sow rice; if you are planning for a decade, plant trees; if you are planning for a lifetime, educate people. ~ Chinese proverb.

547. It is harder to be poor without complaining than to be rich without boasting. ~ Chinese proverb.

548. He who asks a question is a fool for five minutes; he who does not ask a question remains a fool forever. ~ Chinese proverb.

549. Enjoy yourself, it's later than you think. ~ Chinese proverb.
        (Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die. ~ English saying, originally from the Bible, Ecclesiastes VIII 15, King James Version.)

550. Nature, time and patience are the three great physicians. ~ Chinese proverb.

551. The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is today. ~ Chinese proverb.

552. Wedlock is a padlock. ~ Chinese proverb.

553. Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still. ~ Chinese proverb.

554. Don't count your chickens before they are hatched. ~ Chinese and English proverbs.

555. The woman who tells her real age is either too young to have anything to lose, or too old to have anything to gain. ~ Chinese saying.

556. The less power a man has, the more he likes to use it. ~ Chinese proverb.

557. If you are standing upright, don't worry if your shadow is crooked. ~ Chinese proverb.

558. Easier to bend the body than the will. ~ Chinese proverb.

559. A rumour goes in one ear and out many mouths. ~ Chinese proverb.

560. Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend's forehead. ~ Chinese proverb.
        (Don't cut off your nose to spite your face. ~ English idiom.
        Don't throw the baby out with the bath water. ~ English idiom.)

561. Virtue practiced to be seen is not real virtue; vice which fears to be seen is real vice. ~ Chinese proverb.

562. Be not disturbed at being misunderstood; be disturbed at not understanding. ~ Chinese proverb.

563. Judge not the horse by its saddle. ~ Chinese proverb.
        (Don't judge a book by its cover. ~ English idiom.)

564. The great question is not whether you have failed, but whether you are content with failure. ~ Chinese proverb.

565. The day your horse dies and your money's lost, your relatives change to strangers. ~ Chinese saying.

566. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. ~ Chinese proverb.

567. A day of sorrow is longer than a month of joy. ~ Chinese saying.

568. I dreamed a thousand new paths, I awoke and walked my old one. ~ Chinese saying.

569. What you cannot avoid, welcome. ~ Chinese proverb.

570. Hatred corrodes the vessel in which it is stored. ~ Chinese proverb.

571. If you get up one more time than you fall, you will make it through. ~ Chinese proverb.

572. You cannot lose what you never had. ~ Chinese proverb.

573. The error of one moment becomes the sorrow of a lifetime. ~ Chinese proverb.

574. We can study until old age and still not finish. ~ Chinese proverb.

575. Even a hare will bite when it is cornered. ~ Chinese proverb.
        (A drowning man will clutch at a straw. ~ English proverb.)
        (Even a worm will turn. ~ From William Shakespeare's play Henry VI, Part 3.)

576. Cheap things are not good, good things are not cheap. ~ Chinese saying.

577. Failing to plan is planning to fail. ~ Chinese saying.
        (He who fails to plan is planning to fail. ~ Winston Churchill during World War II.)

578. Everyone pushes a falling fence. ~ Chinese saying.
        (Don't kick a man when he's down. ~ English idiom.)

579. If you want happiness for an hour - take a nap.
        If you want happiness for a day - go fishing.
        If you want happiness for a month - get married.
        If you want happiness for a year - inherit a fortune.
        If you want happiness for a lifetime - help others. ~ Chinese Proverb.

580. Losing comes of winning money. ~ Chinese saying.

581. Transgressions should never be forgiven a third time. ~ Chinese saying.

582. Defer not till tomorrow what may be done today. ~ Chinese saying.

583. A courageous foe is better than a cowardly friend. ~ Chinese proverb.

584. You want no one to know it? Then don't do it. ~ Chinese saying.

585. Happy people never count hours as they pass. ~ Chinese saying.

586. A child's life is like a piece of paper on which every passerby leaves a mark. ~ Chinese saying.

587. Do not all you can; spend not all you have; believe not all you hear; and tell not all you know, ~ Chinese saying.

588. A bad workman blames his tools. ~ Chinese saying.

589. A clever person turns great troubles into little ones and little ones into none at all. ~ Chinese saying.

590. Corporations have neither bodies to be punished nor souls to be damned. ~ Chinese saying.

591. If you suspect a man, don't employ him; and if you employ him, don't suspect him. ~ Chinese saying.

592. Rats know the way of rats. ~ Chinese saying.

593. Do not tear down the east wall to repair the west wall. ~ Chinese saying.

594. Of all the thirty-six alternatives, running away is the best. ~ Chinese saying.

595. Where a chest lies open, a righteous man may sin. ~ Chinese proverb.

596. The man who comes with a talk about others has himself an ax to grind. ~ Chinese saying.

597. A thousand cups of wine do not suffice when true friends meet, but half a sentence is too much when there is no meeting of minds. ~ Chinese saying.

598. A dog won't forsake his master because of poverty; a son never deserts his mother because of her homely appearance. ~ Chinese saying.

599. If a thing's worth doing, it's worth doing well. ~ Chinese saying.

600. Better go than send. ~ Chinese saying.

601. Dogs have so many friends because they wag their tails, not their tongues. ~ Chinese saying.

602. If you can't change your fate, change your attitude. ~ Chinese proverb.

602. A man must first become despicable before he is despised. ~ Chinese proverb.

603. There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it. ~ Chinese saying.

604. Once bitten by a snake, a person is frightened at the mere sight of a rope for a lifetime. ~ Chinese saying.
        (Once bitten, twice shy. ~ English idiom.)

605. A smile will gain you ten more years of life. ~ Chinese saying.

606. There are always ears on the other side of the wall. ~ Chinese saying.

607. Follow the local custom when you enter a village. ~ Chinese proverb.
        (When in Rome, do as the Romans do. ~ English idiom.)

608. Tens of thousands of bones will become ashes when one general achieves his fame. ~ Chinese proverb.
        (Kill one man and you're a murderer. Kill a million and you're a conqueror. ~ Jean Rostand.)

609. Attack is the best defence. ~ Chinese proverb.
        (The best defense is a good offense. ~ English saying.)

610. If you are in a hurry you will never get there. ~ Chinese proverb.
        (More haste, less speed. ~ English idiom.)

611. Your neigbour's wife looks prettier than your own. ~ Chinese proverb.
        (The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. ~ English proverb.)

612. Strike while the iron is hot. ~ Chinese proverb.
        (Make hay while the sun shines. ~ English idiom.)

613. Kill two eagles with one arrow. ~ Chinese proverb.
        (Kill two birds with one stone. ~ English idiom.)

614. I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

615. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

616. I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical. ~ Arthur C Clarke.

617. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

618. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

619. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

620. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

621. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

622. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

623. They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

624. Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

625. Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

626. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

627. Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

628. When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

629. I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

630. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

631. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

632. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

633. I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

634. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

635. Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

636. Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

637. Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

638. iCame, iSaw, iConquered. ~ "Steve Jobs" ~ Joe Heller's cartoon.

Google image from http://designyoutrust.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/98956_600.jpg
Google image from designyoutrust.com, 2011

639. The only way to do great work is to love what you do. ~ Steve Jobs.

640. Innovation distinguishes between a leader and a follower. ~ Steve Jobs.

641. Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. ~ Steve Jobs.

642. My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we'll change the world. ~ Jack Layton (August 20, 2011) Letter to Canadians.

Dying To Be Me: My Journey from Cancer, to Near Death, to True Healing by Anita Moorjani
Dying To Be Me:
My Journey from Cancer, to Near Death, to True Healing
by Anita Moorjani

643. Anita Moorjani, author of the book "Dying To Be Me". Anita Moorjani is a living proof that this is real: "Love yourself. You start by loving yourself. Life is a gift. It really is a gift. Don't be afraid to be yourself. Find your joy, and live your life with passion every day. Live it fully. You don't have to fear death."

644. How to Be Yourself from KarmaTube, video 2:42 min. "Be happy. Follow your head. Find a new perspective. Have a sense of wonder.Find people you love. Set goals. Help others. Dance. Pamper yourself. Face your fears. Go to a museum. Exercise. Limit television. Get in touch with nature. Lighten up. Get a good night's sleep. Read books. Buy yourself flowers. Don't compare yourself with others. Don't beat yourself up. Be open to new ideas. Don't focus on regative thoughts. Focus on creating what you desire. Make time just to have fun. Keep the romance in your life. Make a gratitude list. Love your Mother Earth. Want what you have. Be true to yourself."
The importance of creating a gratitude list and being thankful for what you have from PositiveThinking-Toolbox. Premise: "Once you start being grateful for all the little things as well as the big things, in life you will start to see a change in that you will be blessed with more things to be grateful for."

645. Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

646. Egotist: A person who is usually me-deep in conversation.

647. Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

648. Mosquito: An insect that makes you like flies better.

649. Raisin: A grape with a sunburn.

650. Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time.

651. Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction.

652. Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

653. Yawn: An honest opinion openly expressed without a word.

654. Wrinkles: Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

655. Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less. ~ C.S. Lewis.
Humility does not mean you think less of yourself. It means you think of yourself less. ~ Ken Blanchard.

656. Zuviel Demut ist Hochmut. - Sprichwort.
Translated from German: Too much humility is pride. ~ German proverb.

657. Lost time can never be found. ~ Unknown.

658. Out of the mouths of babes (oft times come gems). ~ English saying.
        Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings. ~ Matthew 21:16 and Psalm 8:2.
        Kids Say the Darndest Things. ~ American comedy series hosted by Bill Cosby, 1995, 1998-2000.

659. James (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

Baby Reads Funny Story to Daddy. Hilarious video from YouTube, 1:14 min. (bebe-leyendo-baby reading and laughing with her Daddy).

660. Love isn't finding a perfect person. It's seeing an imperfect person perfectly. ~ Sam Keen.

661. There are three ways of dealing with difference: domination, compromise, and integration. By domination, only one side gets what it wants; by compromise, neither side gets what it wants; by integration, we find a way by which both sides may get what they wish. ~ Mary Parker Follett.

662. The way you get to know yourself is by the expression on other people's faces. ~ Gil Scott Heron.

663. Real integrity is doing the right thing, knowing that nobody's going to know whether you did it or not. ~ Oprah Winfrey.

663. The things that will destroy us are: politics without principle; pleasure without conscience; wealth without work; knowledge without character; business without morality; science without humanity; and worship without sacrifice. ~ Mohandas K. Gandhi.

664. When we lose the right to be different, we lose the privilege to be free. ~ Charles Evan Hughes.

665. To change who you are, change who you think you are. ~ Jonathan Lockwood Huie.

666. If Christianity is wine and Islam coffee, Buddhism is most certainly tea. ~ Alan Watts.
Life is like coffee by Ozarks Sentinel, YouTube video, 3:13 min.
● Original story: "Life Is Like a Cup of Coffee" from Spiritual-Short-Stories.com.

667. A positive mind finds a way it can be done; a negative mind looks for all the ways it can't be done. ~ Napoleon Hill.

668. What the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve. ~ Napoleon Hill.
If my mind can conceive it, and my heart can believe it, I know I can achieve it. ~ Jesse Jackson.

669. What a bargain grandchildren are! I give them my loose change, and they give me a million dollars' worth of pleasure. ~ Gene Perret.

670. A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead of the television. ~ Unknown.

671. No rain, no rainbows. ~ Unknown.

672. There are two ways to be rich - Make more or desire less. ~ Unknown.

673. He who dies with the most toys, still dies. ~ Unknown.

674. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference. ~ Unknown.

675. Live like it's your last day, work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt, sing like nobody's listening, and dance like nobody's watching. ~ Mark Twain or Satchel Paige and others.

676. A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. ~ Phyllis Diller.

677. A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. ~ Phyllis Diller.

678. We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. ~ Phyllis Diller.

679. If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. ~ Phyllis Diller.

680. Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. ~ Phyllis Diller.

681. Only the dead have seen the end of war. ~ Translated from German saying: Nur die Toten haben das Ende des Krieges gesehen.

682. On the difference between the words COMPLETE and FINISHED:
        "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
        And when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.
        And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!" ~ Samsundar Balgobin (Linguist from Guyana).

683. Squad helps dog bite victim. ~ Newspaper Headline Goofs, Funny News Headlines, Another Batch of Funny Newspaper Headlines.

684. Kindness is the language the blind can see and the deaf can hear. ~ Mark Twain.

685. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity. ~ Albert Einstein.

686. Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. ~ Will Rogers.

687. Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. ~ Dalai Lama.

688. You have to think anyway, so why not think big? ~ Donald Trump.

689. In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back. ~ Charles M. Schulz.

690. Great things are done by a series of small things brought together. ~ Vincent Van Gogh.

691. Just because it's in print doesn't mean it's the gospel. ~ Michael Jackson.

692. I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. ~ Thomas Watson (1874-1956), Chairman of IBM, 1943.

693. There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. ~ Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

694. The things we truly love stay with us always, locked in our hearts as long as life remains. ~ Josephine Baker.

695. Ignorance is bliss. ~ From Thomas Gray's poem Ode on a Distant Prospect of Eton College (1742): "Where ignorance is bliss, 'tis folly to be wise."

696. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. ~ From Alexander Pope's An Essay on Criticism (1709) Part II. "A little learning is a dangerous thing; Drink deep, or taste not the Pierian spring."

697. To err is human, to forgive divine. ~ From Alexander Pope's poem: An Essay on Criticism (1709) Part II.

698. For fools rush in where angels fear to tread. ~ From Alexander Pope's poem: An Essay on Criticism (1709) Part III.

699. A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle. ~ James Keller and/or Erin Majors.

700. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. ~ Unknown.

701. Flexible people don't get bent out of shape. ~ Unknown.

702. A divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there's less of you. ~ Margaret Atwood.

703. German: Man sieht nur das, was man weiß . English: You only see what you know. ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832).

704. German: Wer nicht vorwärts geht, der kommt zurücke. English: If you're not going forward, you're going backward. ~ J.W. von Goethe, Hermann und Dorothea.

705. German: Besser laufen, als faulen. English: Better to run than to rot. ~ J.W. von Goethe, Reineke Fuchs.

706. From "Why Teachers Drink" - Students' answers to test questions:

● Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)?
    A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O, U.

● Q. What is a seizure?
    A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit).

● Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
    A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

707. Real joy comes not from ease or riches or from the praise of people, but from doing something worthwhile. ~ Wilfred T. Grenfell.

708. As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. ~ John Glenn.

709. Love is the only service that power cannot command and money cannot buy. ~ Anonymous.

710. Age does not protect you from love. But love, to some extent, protects you from age. ~ Jeanne Moreau.

711. Silent Generation, Baby Boomers, Generation X and Generation Y:

● People born before 1946 were called The Silent and Powerful Generation.
● People born between 1946 and 1964 are called The Baby Boomers.
● People born between 1965 and 1979 are called Generation X.
● And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called Generation Y.
Y Generation Explained in a Cartoon by French Canadian cartoonist Marc Beaudet, published at Journal de Québec on January 22, 2008.

712. Love is when the silence is comfortable. ~ Douglas Foster.

713. Anger dwells only in the bosom of fools. ~ Albert Einstein.

714. Only a life lived for others is a life worth while. ~ Albert Einstein.

715. Try not to become a person of success, but rather a person of value. ~ Albert Einstein.

716. Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. ~ Albert Einstein.

717. When we hate our enemies, we are giving them power over us: power over our sleep, our appetites, our blood pressure, our health, and our happiness. ~ Dale Carnegie.

718. She sells seashells on the seashore;
The shells she sells are seashells I'm sure.
So if she sells seashells on the seashore,
Then I'm sure she sells seashore shells. ~ Terry Sullivan's 1908 tongue twister about Mary Anning, the celebrated geologist.

719. How can you tell if a politician is lying? His lips are moving. ~ From German saying: Woran erkennt man, dass ein Politiker lügt? Seine Lippen bewegen sich.

720. You change your life by changing your heart. ~ Max Lucado.

721. Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect. It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections. ~ Unknown.

722. Be blessed, not stressed. ~ Unknown.

723. May you always have love to share, health to spare, and friends that care. ~ Jack Daniels.

724. One of the secrets of life is to make stepping-stones out of stumbling blocks. ~ Jack Penn.

725. Life is too short for drama or petty things, so laugh hard, love truly and forgive quickly. Live while you are alive. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second time. ~ Unknown.

726. You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist. ~ Indira Gandhi.

727. Everyone has three characters: that which one shows, that which one has, and that which one thinks he has. ~ Alphonse Karr.

728. Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work. ~ Unknown.

729. When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day. ~ Marty Bucella.

730. If you want something you've never had before, you've got to do something you've never done before. ~ Drina Reed.

731. Middle age is the awkward period when Father Time starts catching up with Mother Nature. ~ Harold Coffin.

732. Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness and understanding you can muster, and do with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again. ~ Og Mandino.

733. Everyone who got where he is had to begin with where he was. ~ Richard L. Evans.

734. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk. ~ Dalai Lama.

735. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly. ~ Dalai Lama.

736. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it. ~ Dalai Lama.

737. Immature love says: "I love you because I need you." Mature love says: "I need you because I love you." ~ Erich Fromm.

738. Man is the only animal for whom his own existence is a problem which he has to solve. ~ Erich Fromm.

739. The best proof of love is trust. ~ Joyce Brothers.

740. Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable. ~ Joyce Brothers.

741. If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. ~ Abraham Maslow.

742. When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself. ~ Wayne Dyer.

743. If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. ~ Wayne Dyer.

744. You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. ~ Wayne Dyer.

745. The highest form of ignorance is when you reject something you don't know anything about. ~ Wayne Dyer.

746. It is impossible for you to be angry and laugh at the same time. Anger and laughter are mutually exclusive and you have the power to choose either. ~ Wayne Dyer.

747. Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. ~ Unknown.

748. One death is a tragedy; one million is a statistic. ~ Joseph Stalin. (In German: Der Tod eines Menschen ist eine Tragödie, der Tod von Millionen eine Statistik).

749. Stay away from anger. It hurts only you and nobody else. If you are right, then there is no need to get angry. If you are wrong, then you don't have any right to get angry. ~ Buddha quote.

750. Never think hard about the Past, it brings tears.
Don't think more about the Future, it brings fears.
Live this moment with a Smile, it brings cheers. ~ Buddha quote.

751. Every test in our life makes us bitter or better. Every problem comes to make us or break us. The choice is ours whether we become victims or victorious. ~ Buddha quote.

752. Search for a beautiful heart, not a beautiful face. Beautiful things are not always good, but good things are always beautiful. ~ Buddha quote.

753. Examples of the crazy English language cited at: HLRGazette Archives:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

754. Today, I am enough. I have enough. I do enough. ~ Unknown.

755. The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us. ~ Voltaire, 1694-1778.

756. One of the oldest human needs is having someone wonder where you are when you don't come home at night. ~ Margaret Meade.

757. The less you have, the more precious what you have is. ~ Unknown.

758. I fear the day that technology will surpass our human interaction. The world will have a generation of idiots. ~ Albert Einstein. Alternate quote: I fear the day when the technology overlaps with our humanity. The world will only have a generation of idiots. ~ Albert Einstein.

Einstein's greatest fear has arrived ... The day that Albert Einstein feared may have finally arrived.

759. If you cut too many corners, you'll be going in circles. ~ Todd Reaker.

760. Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win. ~ Jonathan Kozol.

761. The man put his name on the neck of his shirt so he would have collar ID. ~ Melman, Kentucky. (From Pun of the Day).

762. He dropped a computer on his toes and had megahertz. (From Pun of the Day).

763. Will this computer last five years? Obsoletely! (From Pun of the Day).

764. Beauty Parlor: A place where women curl up and dye.

765. Three meals plus bedtime make four sure blessings a day. ~ Mason Cooley.

766. Any day above ground is a good day. ~ Robert Gerus.

767. Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful. ~ Buddha.

768. If you count all your assets, you always show a profit. ~ Robert Quillen.

769. He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has. ~ Epictetus.

770. All humans are 99.9 percent genetically identical, so don't even think of ending any potential relationship with "I just don't think we have enough in common." ~ from The Guardian, quoted in Reader's Digest, Mar. 2011, page 50.

771. Too many people spend money they haven't earned to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like. ~ Will Rogers.

772. The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. ~ Murphy's Laws.

773. Life is too short to be anything but happy. (From a German saying: Das Leben ist zu kurz, um nicht fr?hlich zu sein.) ~ Unknown.

774. He who angers you controls you, therefore you have no control over your anger. ~ Murphy's Laws.

775. The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him. ~ G. K. Chesterton.

776. If you are depressed you are living in the past.
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace you are living in the present. ~ Lao Tzu.

777. Don't worry about tomorrow until it's today. ~ Kyle Kirkland.

778. Worrying does not take away tomorrow's troubles, it takes away today's peace. ~ Unknown.

779. Divide and rule, a sound motto. Unite and lead, a better one. ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832).

780. By nothing do men show their character more than by the things they laugh at. ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832).

781. As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live. ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832).

782. We must use time as a tool, not as a crutch. ~ John F. Kennedy.

783. Failure has no friends. ~ John F. Kennedy.

784. Success has many fathers, while failure is an orphan. ~ English proverb.

785. At twenty years of age, the will reigns; at thirty, the wit; at forty, the judgment. ~ Benjamin Franklin.

786. Think what you do when you run into debt; you give another power over your liberty. ~ Benjamin Franklin.

787. You are never so easily fooled as when you are trying to fool someone else. ~ François de la Rochefoucauld.

788. Failure is the opportunity to begin again, more intelligently. ~ Henry Ford.

789. A crust eaten in peace is better than a banquet partaken in anxiety. ~ Aesop.

790. Cultivate the habit of early rising. It is unwise to keep the head long on a level with the feet. ~ Henry David Thoreau.

791. A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him or her. ~ David Brinkley.

792. All things in life are temporary. If going well, enjoy it, they will not last forever. If going wrong, don't worry, they can't last long either. ~ Unknown.

793. Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise. ~ Benjamin Franklin.

794. The early bird catches the worm. ~ First recorded in John Ray's A collection of English proverbs 1670, 1678: "The early bird catcheth the worm."

795. Think like a man of action, act like a man of thought. ~ Henri Bergson (French Philosopher, 1927. Nobel Prize in Literature, 1859-1941).

796. The eye sees only what the mind is prepared to comprehend. ~ Henri Bergson.

797. We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. ~ Sam Keen.

798. Don't wait. The time will never be just right. ~ Napoleon Hill (American author, 1883-1970).

799. Love is shown in your deeds, not in your words. ~ Fr. Jerome Cummings.

800. The pen is mightier than the sword. ~ Edward Bulwer-Lytton (1839 for his play Richelieu; Or the Conspiracy).

801. Effort plus motive equals result. ~ P. D. Ouspensky.

802. If you want to leave footprints in the sands of time, don't drag your feet. ~ Arnot L. Sheppard.

803. Prevention is better than cure. ~ Desiderius Erasmus.

804. It's time for us to turn to each other, not on each other. ~ Jesse Jackson.

805. Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity. ~ Martin Luther King Jr.

806. Words and hearts should be handled with care, for words when spoken and hearts when broken are the hardest things to repair. ~ Unknown.

807. Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

808. I don't necessarily agree with everything I say. ~ Marshall McLuhan.

809. The medium is the message. ~ Marshall McLuhan.

810. Actions lie louder than words. ~ Carolyn Wells.

811. Action is character. ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald (in The Last Tycoon, 1941).

812. Character is what you do when no one else is looking. ~ Dr. Laura.

813. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions. ~ Unknown.

814. A true friend will remember you for the good and bad times and love you for both. ~ Krissy.

815. Talk slowly but think quickly. ~ Unknown.

816. Men are born with two eyes, but only one tongue, in order that they should see twice as much as they say. ~ Charles Caleb Colton.

817. True friendship is like sound health, the value is seldom appreciated until it is lost. ~ Charles Caleb Colton.

818. When you have nothing to say, say nothing. ~ Charles Caleb Colton.

819. Imitation is the sincerest of flattery. ~ Charles Caleb Colton (Lacon, volume I, no. 183).

820. Signs:

● Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: Dr. Jones, at your cervix.

● On a Plumber's truck: Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.

● On an Electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.

● At a Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.

● Outside a Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.

821. We only do well the things we like doing. ~ Colette (Prisons and Paradise, 1932).

822. A day is wasted without laughter. ~ Sébastien-Roch Nicolas de Chamfort.

823. Generally the theories we believe we call facts, and the facts we disbelieve we call theories. ~ Felix Cohen.

824. Because you cannot see him, God is everywhere. ~ Yasunari Kawabata.

825. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. ~ Oscar Wilde.

826. The difference between machines and human beings is that human beings can be reproduced by unskilled labor. ~ Arthur C. Clarke.

827. Give the gift of love. It never comes back empty! ~ Unknown.

828. There are two types of people - those who come into a room and say, "Well, here I am!" and those who come in and say, "Ah, there you are." ~ Frederick L Collins.

829. Never blame anyone in your Life. Good people give you Happiness. Bad people give you Experience. Worst people give you a Lesson, and Best people give you memories. ~ Unknown.

830. When I was young, I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill, I am scared of the lights. ~ Funny Pictures.

831. If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they're yours; if they don't, they never were. ~ Richard Bach.

832. A lot of the trouble in the world would disappear if we were talking to each other instead of about each other. ~ Ronald Reagan, 11 April 1984.

833. The problem with learning from the school of hard knocks is that the test comes first, and the lesson later. ~ Unknown.

834. How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world. ~ Anne Frank.

Anne Frank quote with image from https://www.facebook.com/ourkidsnet
Image source: www.facebook.com/ourkidsnet

835. No one has ever become poor by giving. ~ Anne Frank.

836. What's the difference between mums and dads? Mums work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work. ~ Answer from a Grade 2 pupil.

837. A foolish man perceives meekness as weakness ~ Terry Miller.

838. Never look down on someone unless you're helping them up. ~ Jesse Jackson.

839. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

840. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship. ~ Unknown.

841. All friends have faults; forgive a little or have none. ~ Monty Overson.

842. Never regret anything that made you smile. ~ Unknown.

843. Arrogance is the full sister of ignorance. ~ Ruben Zuniga.

844. Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out. ~ James Bryant Conant.

845. Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. ~ Idiom.

846. A miss is as good as a mile. ~ Idiom.

847. Close, but no Cigar. ~ Idiom.

848. Courtesy is free. ~ Unknown.

849. Don't dissect a rainbow. ~ Denise LaFrance (Painter).

850. We know accurately only when we know little; with knowledge, doubt increases. ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832).

851. Education is just a process by which a person begins to learn how to learn. ~ Jay Huff.

852. Laughter is the shortest distance between two people. ~ Victor Borge.

853. There is a wonderful mythical law of nature that the three things we crave most in life - happiness, freedom, and peace of mind - are always attained by giving them to someone else. ~ General Peyton C. March.

854. When you go into Court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. ~ Unknown.

855. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. ~ Mark Twain.

856. The Truth told with bad intent
Beats all the lies you can invent. ~ William Blake.

857. Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are. ~ Chinese Proverb.

858. Learning the hard way makes the lessons more valuable. ~ Monty Overson.

859. Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

860. Now tell me ... Is there any safer way to hide information?

Memory Stick image from email
Image received by email, April 2013

Comments on the above denture memory stick:
● "Is that megabits or mega bites?" ~ Walker Eng.
● "I used to have 32 teeth, now I can have 32 MB, Progress!!??" ~ James Miller.

860. When the white missionaries came to Africa, they had the Bible and we had the land. They said, "Let us pray." We closed our eyes. When we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land. ~ Desmond Tutu.

861. It's not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is most adaptable to change. ~ Charles Darwin.

862. After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box. ~ Italian proverb.

863. Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist:
        While you guys were busy arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
        Sincerely,
        the Opportunist

864. The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats. ~ Jean Kerr.

865. When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. ~ Prince Philip.

866. Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. ~ Harrison Ford.

867. Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke. ~ Robin Hall.

868. We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. ~ W.H. Auden.

869. I speak two languages, Body and English. ~ Mae West.

870. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

871. I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.
        Some doctor on teleivision this morning said that the way to achieve Inner Peace is to finish all the things you have started.
        So, I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.
        Yu haf no idr ho gud I fel.
        Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pece. ~ From WackyWits.com.

872. If a man's wife is his better half, and he marries twice, what then becomes of him? ~ From WackyWits.com.

873. Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. ~ From WackyWits.com.

874. One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love. ~ Sophocles, Greek tragic dramatist (496 - 406 BC).

875. Semper Fidelis. ~ Latin for "Always Faithful" or "Always Loyal", motto of the United States Marine Corps, sometimes shortened to Semper Fi.

876. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous! ~ From Oxymoronic Statements.

877. Perspective is in the eye of the beholder. ~ From Oxymoronic Statements.

878. Rehab is for quitters! ~ From Oxymoronic Statements.

879. Be more or less specific. ~ From Oxymoronic Statements.

880. Don't be redundant by repeating yourself. ~ From Oxymoronic Statements.

881. I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity. ~ From Oxymoronic Statements.

882. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. ~ Helen Keller.

883. In the end, the only people who fail are those who do not try. ~ Successories.

884. The race for quality has no finish line. ~ Successories.

885. The only limitation to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today. ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt.

886. That which we do for ourselves dies with us.... That which we do for others is immortal. ~ Albert Pike.

887. Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't; the other half have nothing to say and keep saying it. ~ Quoted in Elements of an Effective Speech by Lenny Laskowski.

888. Wonderful English from Around the World - Email received 7 May 2013:

● In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

● On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

● On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

● In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

● In a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

● In a Tokyo hotel: rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

● On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

● In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

● Airline ticket office in Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

● Cocktail lounge in Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

● Doctor's office in Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

889. The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything. ~ Unknown.

890. Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, leave the rest to God. ~ Ronald Reagan.

891. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

892. If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

893. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?

894. How is it possible to have a civil war?

895. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

896. Can an atheist get insurance against Acts of God?

897. Why do shops have signs that read: "GUIDE DOGS ONLY" when the dogs can't read and their owners are blind?

898. Life should have a purpose, however meaningless.

899. I swear to make no promises I cannot keep.

900. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

901. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

902. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

903. The difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions. ~ Ellen Glasgow (1873 - 1945).
The difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. ~ Gerald Burrill.

904. The road to success is always under construction. ~ Lily Tomlin.

905. Harte Arbeit führt zum Erfolg! (Trans. from German: Hard work will bring you success!)

906. You have not lived a perfect day unless you have done something for someone who will never be able to repay you. ~ Ruth Smeltzer.

907. What Confucius did not say:
        Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.
        Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
        Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
        War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.
        Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
        Wise man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.
        A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood! ~ Unknown.

908. If you have nothing else to give, you can always give someone a smile. ~ Unknown.

909. A smile is something you can't give away; it always comes back to you. ~ Unknown.

910. A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks. ~ Charles Gordy.

911. A smile is the light in the window of your face that tells people you're at home. ~ Unknown.

912. If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it. ~ Andy Rooney.

913. Everyone smiles in the same language. ~ Unknown.

914. Wear a smile - one size fits all. ~ Unknown.

915. Wear a smile and have friends; wear a scowl and have wrinkles. ~ George Eliot.

916. Every smile makes you a day younger. ~ Chinese Proverb.

917. Before you put on a frown, make absolutely sure there are no smiles available. ~ Jim Beggs.

918. A smile cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen, for it is something that is of no value to anyone until it is given away. ~ Unknown.

919. Love is blind; hate is deaf. ~ Unknown.

920. From the deepest desires often come the deadliest hate. ~ Socrates.

921. Take care that no one hates you justly. ~ Publilius Syrus.

922. End discrimination. Hate everybody. ~ Elle Eden.

923. Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must. ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832).

924. The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra. ~ Jimmy Johnson.

925. There's a right way and a wrong way to do everything, and the wrong way is to keep trying to make everybody else do it the right way. ~ Colonel Potter in M*A*S*H.

926. The only way you may correct the bad things in your past is to add better things to your future. ~ Shiloh Morrison.

927. Dare to be imperfect and one day there will tug at your sleeve a soulmate. ~ Robert Brault.

928. Promise only what you can deliver. Then deliver more than you promise. ~ Unknown.

929. Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up. ~ Robert Frost.

930. Fear less, hope more; eat less, chew more; whine less, breathe more; talk less, say more; hate less, love more; and all good things are yours. ~ Swedish Proverb.

931. Dig the well before you are thirsty. ~ Chinese Proverb.

932. To know the road ahead, ask those coming back. ~ Chinese Proverb.

933. When you throw dirt, you lose ground. ~ Texan Proverb.

934. Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. ~ Publilius Syrus.

935. The ideal man doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, doesn't swear, doesn't get angry, doesn't exist. ~ Anonymous. (from Cool Funny Quotes).

936. No idea is so antiquated that it was not once modern. No idea is so modern that it will not someday be antiquated. ~ Ellen Glasgow.

937. Never think that war, no matter how necessary, nor how justified, is not a crime. ~ Ernest Hemingway.

938. I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend ... if you have one. ~ George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one. ~ Winston Churchill, in response.

939. He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. ~ Winston Churchill.

940. I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. ~ Clarence Darrow.

941. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark. ~ Unknown.

942. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. ~ Unknown.

943. A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools. ~ Douglas Adams.

944. British Humour. YouTube video, 2:46 min.

945. Greed over small gains brings big losses. ~ Chinese idiom.
Don't be penny-wise and pound-foolish. ~ English idiom.
Take care of the pennies and the pounds will take care of themselves. ~ English proverb.

946. In war, there can be no substitute for victory. ~ General Douglas MacArthur.

947. Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you will live forever. ~ Mahatma Gandhi.

948. 12 Steps to Self-Care:
1. If it feels wrong, don't do it.
2. Say "exactly" what you mean.
3. Don't be a people pleaser.
4. Trust your instincts.
5. Never speak bad about yourself.
6. Never give up on your dreams.
7. Don't be afraid to say "No".
8. Don't be afraid to say "Yes".
9. Be kind to yourself.
10. Let go of what you can't control.
11. Stay away from drama and negativity.
12. LOVE. Love yourself. Love others without judgement. ~ Posted on Theta Healing.

949. Only through imitation do we develop toward originality. ~ John Steinbeck.

950. The most precious possession that ever comes to a man in this world is a woman's heart. ~ Josiah G. Holland.

951. We get too soon old and too late smart. ~ Sign in a German Restaurant in Toronto.

Photo taken in a German Restaurant in Toronto by I Lee August 2011 using Samsung Corby Plus cell phone

952. ABC's of Ageing Gracefully ~ From Courage in Stone.com.

Avoid CollagenBloom LateCelebrate
Dance at WeddingsEat More ChocolateFall in Love Again
Go GreyHold HandsInspire
Jettison GrudgesKiss Like You Mean ItLaugh
Mend FencesNurture FriendshipsOpen Doors
Perspire with Aplomb       Quit WhiningRekindle Romance
Spoil BabiesTeach Someone to Read       Upset Convention
VolunteerWear RedeXpect Joy
Yield GracefullyZing 

953. ABC's of Lfe ~ From CourageInStone.com:

Accept Differences       Be KindCount Your Blessings
DreamExpress ThanksForgive
Give FreelyHarm No OneImagine More
Jettison AngerKeep Confidence       Love Truly
Master SomethingNurture HopeOpen Your Mind
Pack LightlyQuell RumorsReciprocate
Seek WisdomTouch HeartsUnderstand
Value TruthWin GraciouslyXeriscape
Yearn for PeaceZealously Support      
a Worthy Cause
 

* Xeriscape: "Derived from the Greek xeros meaning 'dry,' the term means literally 'dry landscape' ... xeriscape landscaping needn't be limited to desert plants ... Rather, the practice allows you to use the plants you want, but insists on common-sense measures that will help conserve water ..."

954. Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself. ~ Harvey Fierstein.

955. Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. ~ Mark Twain.

956. Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile. ~ Albert Einstein.

957. Life is a dream for the wise, a game for the fool, a comedy for the rich, a tragedy for the poor. ~ Sholom Aleichem.

958. Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future. ~ John F. Kennedy.

959. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. ~ Unknown.

960. Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. ~ Mark Twain.

961. If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts. ~ Albert Einstein.

962. People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. ~ Isaac Asimov.

963. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. ~ Steven Wright.

964. A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's; she changes it more often. ~ Oliver Herford.

965. If you stop advertising to save money . . . you might as well stop your clock to save time!! ~ Echo Germanica, April 2013. No. 4, p. 2.

966. Clever Anagrams - What you get when you re-arrange the same letters:
● Presbyterian: Best in prayer
● Astronomer: Moon starer
● Desperation: A rope ends it
● The eyes: They see
● George Bush: He bugs Gore
● The Morse Code: Here come dots
● Dormitory: Dirty room
● Slot machines: Cash lost in me
● Animosity: Is no amity
● Election results: Lies - Let's recount
● Snooze alarms: Alas! No more Z's
● A decimal point: I'm a dot in place
● The earthquakes: That queer shake
● Eleven plus two: Twelve plus one
● Debit card: Bad credit
● Schoolmaster: The classroom
● Fir cones: Conifers
● The Environment: One tenth vermin ~ English for Students.

967. The budget should be balanced, the treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance. ~ Cicero, 55 BC.

● In place of the above Internet eRumor is the actual quote: The arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed, lest Rome fall. ~ Marcus Tullius Cicero (106 - 43 BC).

968. Actual bank robbery in Detroit. Absolutely priceless. Video. 0:34 min.

969. Two signs at a Taco restaurant:
● Sign #1: Sorry, we are CLOSED due to short staff.
● Sign #2: Hire taller staff cause I need a taco!

970. Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace. ~ Dalai Lama.

971. Never miss a good chance to shut up. ~ Will Rogers.

972. Everything will be alright in the end; so, if it's not alright, it's not yet the end. ~ Saying from India - Quote from The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel (2011 film).

973. Friendship should not be thought of as something we get, it is something we give. ~ Unknown.

974. Blessed are those who can give without remembering, and take without forgetting. ~ Elizabeth Bibesco.

975. Seeing through is rarely seeing into. ~ Elizabeth Bibesco.

976. You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche.

977. I cannot believe in a God who wants to be praised all the time. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche.

978. He who cannot lie does not know what the truth is. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche.

979. Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings - always darker, emptier and simpler. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche.

980. Great intellects are skeptical. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche.

981. Love is a state in which a man sees things most decidedly as they are not. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche.

982. If there were no God, it would have been necessary to invent him. ~ Voltaire.

983. As long as people believe in absurdities, they will continue to commit atrocities. ~ Voltaire.

984. It is hard to free fools from the chains they revere. ~ Voltaire.

985. It is better to risk saving a guilty man than to condemn an innocent one. ~ Voltaire.

986. The tongue, like a sharp knife... Kills without drawing blood. ~ Buddha.

987. Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared. ~ Buddha.

988. Work to live, don't live to work. ~ Hank Kimball, Hooterville's County Agent, Character from "Green Acres" (1960s).

989. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. ~ Oscar Wilde.

990. Love me without fear. Trust me without questioning. Need me without demanding. Want me without restrictions. Accept me without change. Desire me without inhibitions. ~ Dick Sutphen.

991. There are signs that Allah will grant victory to Islam in Europe without swords, without guns, without conquest. We don't need terrorists, we don't need homicide bombers. The 50+ million Muslims [in Europe] will turn it into a Muslim continent within a few decades. ~ Muammar al-Gaddafi.
● See Muslim Demographics. YouTube video, 7:31 min.
● See also Muslim Demographics from Snopes.com.
2.2 Billion: World's Muslim Population Doubles by Hannamayj, from Time.com.
The Future of World Religion (in 2050) Published on Jul 22, 2015 by The Daily Conversation.

992. What happens if a politician drowns in a river? That is pollution.
What happens if all of them drown? That is solution. ~ Unknown.

993. You don't drown by falling in the water; you drown by staying there. ~ Edwin Louis Cole.

994. Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. ~ Nikita Khrushchev.

995. Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~ Oscar Ameringer.

996. Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~ Doug Larson.

997. Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson.

998. A good head and a good heart are always a formidable combination. ~ Nelson Mandela.

999. The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails. ~ William Arthur Ward.

1000. It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see. ~ Henry David Thoreau.



Related resources:
Familiar Quotations: A Collection of Passages, Phrases, and Proverbs Traced to Their Sources in Ancient and Modern Literature compiled by John Bartlett.
Funniest Puns and Jokes (Pun of the Day). Site contains over 3500 puns. Searchable.
Funny English (Page One).
Funny English (Page Two).
Clean Women Jokes.
Clean Men Jokes.
Brainy Quote. Huge collection of Famous Quotes, Quote of the Day, Topics, Authors, Pictures, Words, Quiz, Professions, Birthdays.
Funny Quotes - Famous Funny Quotes - Famous Quotes from Quotes World.
Notable Quotes.
Omniglot: Proverbs and sayings. Idioms and sayings in various languages. Tongue twisters in many languages Selections by Simon Ager.
The Quotations Page includes Quotes of the Day, Motivational Quotes, Random Quotes.
The Quote Garden: A Harvest of Quotations for Word Lovers.
Quotes from the Middle Ages: About the Quotes by Melissa Snell, About.com Guide.
Random Pun.
Random Quotes.
Respectfully Quoted edited by Suzy Platt, from Bartleby. Collected wisdom in American political debate.

Utterson Snow 30Nov2011
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