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One More Completed Lap
Around the Sun!
(Doctor Jokes)

By Dr. Peter W. Kujtan, B.Sc., M.D., Ph.D.

Article printed on page 11 in the December 31, 2005 - January 1, 2006 issue of
The Mississauga News under the feature: Health & Wellness, Medical Matters.

I thought that I would start the New Year with a little bit of levity. Going to the doctor makes a lot of people nervous, and I don't blame them, but sometimes it results in the best medicine called laughter. A lot of amusing anecdotes are overheard in our offices, and here is a sampler of real-life quips to start your year off.

• Why do my husband's ears turn red every time I talk to him?

• Patient: Every time you repeat those mean and nasty words to me, it makes my pain seem worse.
Doctor: Are you referring to that dirty "return to work" phrase?

• Your budgie is not a patient here, and will not be receiving a flu shot from me anytime soon. I don't do cats, birds, dogs or goats.

• I need to reschedule my Doctor's appointment because I am not feeling well today.

• I can check his hearing, but I can't fix his listening.

• Doctor: And what are you doing for the holidays?
Patient: I am taking my wife somewhere that she has never been before - the kitchen.

• Your prostate exam is not exactly the highlight of my day either.

• No life boats and no latrines built out of 40 year old wood. Doc, I must tell you that just thinking about how unsafe Noah's Ark was keeps me awake at night!

• Doctor: You look very cheerful today, Mrs. J. I particularly like that unique Christmas ornament that you are wearing.
Patient: Thank you, Doctor. Would you like to ring my bells?

• Listen Doc, there is nothing wrong with my girl friend that a good strong credit card and an unlimited line of credit could not fix.

• Patient: I need something to help me sleep.
Doctor: Have you tried watching the federal election coverage?

• You are the most wonderful person I ever met! I realize that it is the eve of the Holidays, but I urgently need to see all my specialists, have MRI's, mole removals, colonoscopy, bunion surgery, oh, and I finally decided to take your advice on that psychotherapy suggestion since my uncle is arriving on a mercy flight tomorrow, and did I tell you that I need a hospital bed for him? And I almost forgot, here is a stack of forms that "they" said you would know what to do with while you make all those arrangements. Hope you don't mind. I won a trip and leave next week. By the way, you work too hard and should take it easy.

• Sorry, I didn't mean to talk while you were listening!

• Amusing, I hope, and it does help ease the stress at times. Remember that New Year's resolutions are like the game of hockey, it takes some hard back-checking to get the job done, but there is no satisfaction as sweet as that felt after one achieves a seemingly elusive goal. So, as you undergo the rebirth of your wishes and expectations, I bid you a Happy New Year!

The following was received by the Webmaster, 12 July 2011 to be added to Doctor Jokes. Source unknown.

"Medical Irregularities: These are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in (National Health Service) NHS Greater Glasgow. They may have come from Glasgow but could have come from any of our hospitals."

● 1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.
● 2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
● 3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
● 4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
● 5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
● 6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
● 7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
● 8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
● 9. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
● 10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
● 11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
● 12. She is numb from her toes down.
● 13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
● 14. The skin was moist and dry.
● 15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
● 16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
● 17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
● 18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
● 19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
● 20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
● 21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
● 22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
● 23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
● 24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
● 25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
● 26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
● 27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
● 28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
● 29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
● 30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
● 31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
● 32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
● 33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

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